BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE
A Message from John Cleese To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves,
we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her
Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
Commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for
further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated
next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and
check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘ize’
will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up
"vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like"
and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such
thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize." You will
relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that
you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.