Violence Against Women

Women of all ages and backgrounds are at risk of many different types of violence. In fact, millions of women in this country have experienced violence. Violence greatly affects the lives and health of women: the impact can last for years, even a lifetime. But there are places to turn for help, ways to protect yourself, and hope for healing and a better future.
About Jack Berlin

About Prizm Share
Violence abuse Women partner Sexual Sexual Violence
About Jack Berlin

About Prizm Share
Violence abuse Women partner Sexual Sexual Violence
<p>Violence Against Women
235
Violence Against 
Women
Women of all ages and backgrounds are at risk of many different 
types of violence. In fact, millions of women in this country 
have experienced violence. Violence greatly affects the lives and 
health of women: the impact can last for years––even a lifetime. 
But there are places to turn for help, ways to protect yourself, 
and hope for healing and a better future. 
Women at risk
Women and girls of all ages, races, cul-
tures, religions, education levels, and sex-
ual orientations can experience violence. 
Based on reported cases, U.S. women 
most at risk of violence are:
l	 American Indians/Alaskan Natives
l	 African Americans
l	 Hispanics
l	 girls younger than 18
l	 women and girls living in poverty 
The impact of violence
Experiencing violence can greatly impact 
how you feel about yourself, relation-
ships, and the world around you. It can 
affect your physical and mental health. 
And it can change your behavior and 
daily life.
No one has the right to hurt you or make 
you feel afraid. Do not let feelings of 
fear, shame, or guilt stop you from seek-
ing help. You are not at fault, and you 
do not need to hide what has happened. 
Many people and groups are willing to 
help you.
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Forms of Violence
Many	terms	are	used	to	describe	vio-
•	Homicide,	femicide	
lence against women: 
•	Dating	violence,	dating	abuse,	teen	
• Intimate partner violence
dating	violence	
• Domestic violence
•	Indecent	exposure
•	Spouse	or	partner	abuse
• Voyeurism
• Wife beating
•	Stalking	
•	Rape,	marital	rape,	date	rape
• Harassment
• Family violence 
•	Human	trafficking
•	Sexual	abuse,	sexual	violence,	sexual	
• Genital mutilation
assault
• Exploitation
• Molestation
•	Forced	prostitution
• Beating, battering
•	Forced	pornography
Effects of Violence on Women
Mental health
Women hurt by violence may have:
• Depression 
•	 Low	self-esteem,	loss	of	confidence
•	 Posttraumatic	stress	disorder	(PTSD)
• Guilt or shame 
•	 Shock	and	disbelief
•	 Anxiety	and	panic	attacks
• Emotional numbness
• Anger 
•	 Self-hate	or	self-blame	
• General sense of fear
• Fear of men, being alone, going out in public, intimacy, or anything that may trig-
ger memories of the violence
•	 Suicidal	thoughts	
•	 Sense	of	being	worthless	or	without	hope
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237
Effects of Violence on Women
Behavior
Common actions after experiencing violence are:
•	 Thoughts	or	acts	of	suicide	or	self-injury
•	 Risky	sexual	behaviors,	such	as	unprotected	sex
•	 Alcohol	or	drug	abuse
•	 Eating	disorders
•	 Avoiding	doctor	visits	or	making	unnecessary	doctor	visits
Physical health
Common	physical	injuries	and	health	problems	from	violence	include:
•	 Increased	risk	of	sexually	transmitted	infections	(STIs)	and	HIV,	which	can	lead	to	
pelvic	inflammatory	disease	and	a	higher	risk	of	cervical	cancer
•	 Unwanted	pregnancies,	or	rapid,	repeat	pregnancies
•	 Miscarriages	and	other	reproductive	problems
•	 Vaginal	bleeding	or	pelvic	pain
•	 Injuries	such	as	bruises,	cuts,	broken	bones,	or	internal	damage
•	 Back	or	neck	pain
•	 Chronic	pain	syndrome
•	 Trouble	sleeping	and	nightmares
•	 High	blood	pressure	or	chest	pain
• Arthritis
•	 High	stress	and	lowered	immune	system
•	 Central	nervous	system	problems,	such	as	headaches,	seizures,	or	nerve	damage
•	 Respiratory	problems,	such	as	asthma	and	shortness	of	breath
•	 Digestive	problems,	such	as	stomach	ulcers	and	nausea
Economic
Common	financial	struggles	due	to	violence	are:
•	 Loss	of	income	from	missed	work	or	a	partner	who	withholds	money
•	 Medical	bills
• Legal fees
• Rent or moving costs of new housing
•	 Extra	child	care	and	protection	costs
Social
Common	social	issues	due	to	violence	include:
•	 Stigma	and	discrimination
•	 Trouble	getting	medical,	social,	and	legal	services
•	 Strained	relationships	with	friends	and	family
•	 Social	isolation	(from	family,	friends,	and	others	who	could	help)
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Impact on children
Violence against women can also im-
pact children. About 50 percent of men 
who assault their wives also physically 
abuse their children. Also, women who 
are abused are more likely to abuse their 
children. And children can be injured 
during violence between their parents.
Studies show children who witness or 
experience violence at home may have 
long-term physical, emotional, and so-
cial problems. They are also more likely 
to experience or commit violence in the 
future. Protect your children by getting 
help for yourself.
Common forms of violence
Although women often fear being at-
tacked or hurt by a stranger, they are at 
greatest risk of violence from people they 
know:
l	 About 25 to 30 percent of women are 
physically or sexually abused by a ro-
mantic partner.
l	 One in 6 women reports being raped 
or sexually assaulted in her lifetime. 
And nearly 70 percent are attacked 
by someone they know. (Research has 
shown that most women do not re-
port their rapes to police, so the actual 
number of women raped may be much 
higher.)
l	 Around 1 million women are stalked 
each year, most often by someone  
they know, such as an ex-husband, ex-
boyfriend, or peer.
This	chapter	focuses	on	three	types	of	
common violence against women:
• intimate partner violence 
• sexual violence
•	stalking
Intimate partner violence (IPV)
IPV can be a one-time event or a pattern 
of physical, sexual, or psychological harm 
by a current or former partner or spouse. 
It happens in both heterosexual and 
same-sex couples. And it can happen in 
nonsexual relationships. Teen dating vio-
lence has many of the same risk factors, 
warning signs, and effects as IPV.
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239
Forms of IPV
Physical violence or threats
Your partner may:
• Hurt or threaten you, possibly with a weapon
•	 Become	violent	after	alcohol	or	drug	use
• Destroy your things
Sexual abuse or threats
Your partner may:
• Force you to have sex or be sexual in other ways
•	 Threaten	to	rape	or	hurt	you	sexually
Psychological/emotional abuse 
IPV	often	starts	with	emotional	abuse,	then	leads	to	physical	violence.	
Your partner may:
•	 Control	who	you	spend	time	with,	where	you	go,	and	what	you	do	
•	 Trace	your	phone	calls
•	 Insult	you	and	get	angry	about	small	things
• Accuse you of cheating
•	 Make	fun	of	you
•	 Control	how	you	spend	your	money	or	refuse	to	give	you	money
•	 Act	jealous	when	you	spend	time	with	friends
• Blame you for his or her violence
•	 Use	your	children	to	manipulate	you
• Follow you when you go out
•	 Try	to	make	you	afraid
IPV is never okay, even if it only happens 
once in a while. It can be hard to admit 
you are in an abusive relationship or find 
a way out. But if your partner is hurting 
you, it is time to get help.
Many abused women stay with their 
partner out of fear or because they do 
not see a way out. Others stay because 
they love their partner and believe he 
or she will change. But the longer the 
abuse goes on, the more damage it can 
cause. Whether you decide to leave your 
partner or stay, make a safety plan in case 
IPV happens again. (See page 241 for 
“Planning Ahead.”)
If you leave, plan ahead for legal, medi-
cal, and emotional support, because IPV 
can escalate even after leaving a partner. 
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You may even need help from police and 
women’s shelters. They can help you find 
ways to protect yourself and your children.
l	 If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
l	 For 24-hour help and support, call the 
National Domestic Violence Hotline 
toll-free number listed in the resource 
section on page 249.
Preventing IPV
Help prevent IPV in your own life by 
seeking and building healthy relation-
ships. Below are some signs of healthy 
and unhealthy relationships.
IPV and Pregnancy
IPV can affect the health of the mother 
and	unborn	baby.	Abuse	from	a	part-
ner	may	begin,	or	increase,	during	
pregnancy	and	can	lead	to:	
•	low-birth-weight	babies	and	other	
health	risks
•	death	of	unborn	and	newborn	babies
•	homicide,	which	is	the	second	lead-
ing	cause	of	traumatic	death	for	
pregnant	women	and	mothers	with	
newborns
Signs of a healthy relationship
Signs of an unhealthy relationship
• Respect for each other
• Honesty
•	 Trust	and	support
• Able to compromise 
•	 Shared	decision	making
• You are able to be yourself
•	 Time	spent	together	and	apart	
•	 Good	communication
•	 Peaceful	solutions	to	conflict
• Anger control 
•	 Self-confidence	and	happiness
• Feeling safe with partner, even when he or she is 
upset
• Disrespect
•	 Blaming	and	lying
•	 Mistrust	and	jealousy
•	 Put-downs,	insults,	name	calling
•	 One	partner	controls	decision	making
•	 “Need”	to	be	with	partner;	cannot	be	without	the	
other
• Fear of partner’s temper or actions
• Partner pressures or forces other to be sexual
• Fights get out of control  
•	 Feeling	worthless	or	bad	about	yourself	
• Feeling unsafe with your partner
Early warning signs of IPV
If your partner displays one or more of 
the early signs below, get help early to 
prevent future IPV. If you start dating 
someone who displays warning signs, 
think twice about getting involved.
Does your partner or person you date:
l	 Get jealous when you spend time with 
other people?
l	 Act possessive?
l	 Have low self-esteem?
l	 Act aggressive?
l	 Create conflict, use put-downs, or  
argue a lot?
l	 Mistreat animals?
l	 Abuse drugs or alcohol?
l	 Have poor relationships with others?
l	 React badly to stress?
l	 Have extreme emotional highs and lows?
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241
l	 Have a quick temper and lots of anger?
l	 Punch walls or throw things when  
angry?
l	 Need to be in control of the relation-
ship?
l	 Have a history of bad relationships?
Highest risks of IPV
You cannot always predict whether your 
partner will become violent. But stud-
ies show some traits increase the risk of 
someone becoming violent with their 
partner. These traits include:
l	 abusing drugs or alcohol 
l	 thinking violence in a relationship is 
all right
l	 strict beliefs about traditional gender 
roles
l	 having a lot of anger or hostility
l	 a history of partner abuse
l	 depression
l	 career or life stress, such as not having 
a job
l	 having been a victim of, or exposed to, 
violence as a child 
Planning Ahead 
If	you	are	being	abused,	create	a	safety	plan.	Contact	the	 
National	Domestic	Violence	Hotline	for	help.	
A few ways to prepare are to:
•	Plan	all	possible	escape	routes	from	your	home.
•	Know	your	partner’s	“red	flags”;	leave	the	house	if	you	
sense	your	partner	will	become	violent.	
•	Avoid	fights	in	rooms	without	access	to	a	door	or	where	weapons	are	kept.
•	Find	a	safe	place	to	go	if	you	are	in	danger—family,	friends,	a	shelter.
•	Get	a	court	protective	order.	
•	Memorize	emergency	numbers.
•	Have	money	available—cash	kept	with	a	friend,	a	separate	savings	account,	a	cred-
it	card.
•	Teach	your	children	not	to	get	in	the	middle	of	a	fight	between	you	and	your	partner.
•	Have	a	cell	phone	or	calling	card	handy;	do	not	use	your	home	phone	or	cell	phone	
to	call	for	help	if	your	partner	can	trace	the	numbers.
•	Create	a	signal	to	use	with	friends	and	family	to	alert	them	to	danger.
•	Have	access	to	important	items	such	as	extra	car	keys,	a	driver’s	license,	social	
security	number,	checkbook,	address	book	or	a	list	of	important	numbers,	health	
insurance	card,	passport,	immigration	papers,	copies	of	birth	certificates	for	you	
and	your	children,	school	and	medical	records,	and	children’s	favorite	toys.
•	Keep	copies	of	important	papers	and	items	(including	a	change	of	clothes)	with	a	
trusted	friend	or	relative.
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Leaving an abusive partner takes cour-
age, support, and planning. But it is pos-
sible. For your safety and the safety of 
The Cycle of Violence
IPV can follow a three-stage cycle that 
repeats	over	and	over.	It	is	called	the	
“Cycle	of	Violence.”	
1.	Tension-building stage:	Tension	
builds	over	time	and	may	include	
“minor”	incidents	such	as	pushing	
or	threats.	To	delay	movement	to	
stage two the victim may act pas-
sive,	“stay	out	of	the	way,”	and	avoid	
making	the	partner	upset.
2.	Violent stage:	Tension	explodes,	
resulting	in	severe	abuse.
3.	Honeymoon stage:	The	abuser	
apologizes,	promises	to	stop	the	
abuse,	and	often	is	very	loving	for	
a	while.	The	abuser	may	feel	sorry	
about the abuse, promise to stop 
and	get	help,	and	show	regret	and	
extra	kindness.	The	victim	then	feels	
loved	and	believes	the	violence	will	
end.	The	cycle	then	repeats.
In time, the honeymoon stage may get 
shorter,	and	the	tension-building	and	
violent	stages	longer.	
Tension-building
stage
Violent
stage
Honeymoon
stage
your children, talk about your options 
with an IPV counselor before you leave. 
If the IPV is mild or has just started, get 
professional help before it gets worse. If 
you choose to stay with your partner, the 
abuse may get worse over time—even if 
you get help. So have a safety plan ready.
You cannot change your partner by lov-
ing him or her more, by changing your-
self, or by hoping he or she will change 
if you wait it out. Your partner needs to 
get help, but even that may not stop the 
abuse. A relationship should not leave 
you feeling scared, depressed, hopeless, 
worthless, or in danger. You deserve to be 
safe and treated well. If the abuse contin-
ues, help is just a phone call away.  
Sexual violence
Sexual violence is all completed or at-
tempted sexual contact or behavior that 
happens without your clear, voluntary 
consent. No one has the right to make 
you be sexual, including your partner. 
Sexual violence can shatter a woman’s 
life in an instant. And it can take years to 
emotionally heal from the experience. 
Sexual violence includes:
l	 Improper and unwanted touching, 
kissing, fondling, and groping. 
l	 Sexual assault, such as rape or attempt-
ed rape (vaginal, oral, or anal). This 
includes sex when the victim is drunk, 
unconscious, or unable to give willing 
consent. It also includes unwanted sex 
with a partner, spouse, or date.
l	 Verbal, visual, or other noncontact sex-
ual actions that force a person to join 
in unwanted sexual contact or atten-
tion. This includes flashing of sexual 
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243
Elder Abuse
Elder	abuse	is	doing	something,	or	failing	to	do	something,	that	causes	harm	or	risks	
harm	to	a	vulnerable	older	adult.	Nearly	90	percent	of	the	abusers	are	family	mem-
bers,	most	often	adult	children	or	spouses.	Elder	abuse	also	happens	in	places	such	
as	nursing	homes	and	hospitals.	Among	the	elderly,	women	ages	80	and	older	are	at	
highest	risk	for	being	abused	or	neglected.
Elder	abuse	includes:
• physical, sexual, or emotional abuse
•	financial	abuse	such	as	taking	or	misusing	an	elderly	person’s	money	or	property,	
or	tricking	her	into	spending	or	investing	money
•	ignoring	or	abandoning	an	elderly	person	under	your	care
If	you	think	an	elderly	person	you	know	is	being	abused,	please	tell	someone.	Call	
your	local	adult	protective	services,	long-term	care	ombudsman,	or	the	police.
If	you	are	being	abused,	you	can:
•	Tell	someone	you	trust,	such	as	a	doctor	or	friend.	
•	Call	the	U.S.	Administration	on	Aging’s	Eldercare	Locator	toll-free	number	listed	in	
the	resource	section	on	page	249	to	find	a	local	agency	that	can	help.	
•	Contact	your	state	or	local	adult	protective	services	(APS).
body parts, being shown pornography, 
and verbal or written sexual harass-
ment.
Sexual violence can happen anywhere—
on a date, at a party, at work, at home, or 
in public. The attacker may be a stranger 
or someone you know, such as a partner, 
family member, or peer. In fact, in 8 of 
10 rape cases, the victims know their 
rapist.
Survivors may feel shame or guilt. But 
you are never at fault—even if you didn’t 
fight back or say no because of fear or 
shock. You are never to blame for some-
one else’s violence.
If you are a survivor of sexual violence, 
professional help and support groups are 
available. Even if the abuse or assault is 
from childhood, it may still deeply af-
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The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages
fect you. You are not alone, and you do 
not need to hide what happened. Silence 
only gives the abuser more power. Help 
stop sexual violence by healing yourself, 
speaking out, and supporting other  
survivors.
Sexual Violence: Risk Factors
Risk factors for experiencing 
sexual violence
•	 Young	age—more	than	half	of	all	rapes	occur	before	age	18	
• Drug or alcohol abuse
•	 Having	experienced	past	sexual	violence
• Living in poverty
•	 Having	risky	sex,	such	as	unprotected	sex,	sex	with	many	partners,	
and/or	sex	at	a	young	age
Risk factors for becoming 
sexually violent
•	 Alcohol	and	drug	abuse	
•	 Fantasies	about	forced	sex	(rape)
•	 Impulsive	and	antisocial	behavior	
• Preference for impersonal sex 
•	 Hostility	toward	women	
•	 Extreme	male	stereotyped	behaviors
•	 Sexual	and	physical	abuse	as	a	child
•	 Witnessed	family	violence	as	a	child
Getting help after a sexual assault
Take steps right away if you’ve been  
assaulted:
l	 Get away from the attacker and find a 
safe place as fast as you can. Call 911 
and report the crime.
l	 Call a friend or family member you 
trust. Or call a crisis center or a hot-
line, such as the National Sexual As-
sault Hotline toll-free number listed 
in the resource section on page 249.
l	 Do not wash, comb, or clean any part 
of your body. Do not change clothes if 
possible, so the hospital staff can col-
lect evidence. Do not touch or change 
anything at the crime scene.
l	 Go to your nearest hospital emergency 
room right away. You need to be ex-
amined and treated for injuries.
 • Ask if the hospital has a Sexual As-
sault Nurse Examiner (SANE) who 
can perform your exam and provide 
emotional support. She will collect 
evidence using a rape kit to find fi-
bers, hairs, saliva, semen, or clothing 
the attacker may have left behind.
 • You will be screened for sexually 
transmitted infections, offered coun-
seling, or given other treatment.
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245
 • Most hospitals will offer emergency 
contraception pills to help prevent 
pregnancy. If it is not offered, you 
can request it. 
 • The hospital staff can call the po-
lice and contact a rape crisis center 
counselor. 
Ways to protect yourself
To reduce your risk of sexual violence:
l	 Trust your feelings. If you feel in dan-
ger, you probably are and need to get 
away. 
l	 Notice what and who is around you. 
Know where you are going and stay in 
well-lit areas. Park your car in well-lit 
areas. 
l	 After getting in your car, drive away. 
Do not sit in your car to look at items 
you bought or make phone calls. 
l	 If you are in danger, blow a whistle, or 
yell “FIRE” instead of “help” or “rape.”  
l	 Never leave a social event with some-
one you just met or do not know well. 
l	 Never walk or jog alone at night or in 
secluded areas.
l	 Meet new dates in public places. Be 
careful when meeting people from In-
ternet dating sites. Tell a friend where 
you are going and who you are going 
out with.
l	 Never drink anything that has been 
out of your sight, or that you did not 
see being poured from a new bottle. 
Date rape drugs are odorless and 
tasteless. 
l	 Avoid parties where a lot of alco-
hol may be served, such as frater-
nity events. Control your drinking at 
events.
l	 Keep your car and home doors locked. 
Lock home windows. Install home  
security.
l	 Go out in groups and have friends 
watch out for each other.
l	 Offer help to other women who may 
be in danger. 
Stalking
Stalking is a pattern of repeated, un-
wanted attention, harassment, or contact 
that directly or indirectly communicates 
a threat or scares a person. 
Stalkers may:
l	 follow or wait for you in certain places
l	 appear at your home or work 
l	 sit outside your home 
l	 make harassing phone calls 
l	 leave written messages or objects 
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The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages
Cyberstalking
Cyberstalking	is	use	of	the	Internet,	e-mail,	or	other	forms	of	online	communications	
to	stalk	another	person.	It	can	include:
• harassment or threats in chat rooms
•	e-mail,	instant	messages	(IM),	or	text	message	threats	and	harassment
•	improper	messages	on	a	message	board	or	in	a	guest	book
•	tracing	your	computer	and	Internet	use
• obscene or improper e-mail messages or photo attachments
•	sending	electronic	viruses
•	someone	pretending	to	be	you	in	a	chat	room
If	you	are	cyberstalked:
•	Log	off	right	away	and	stay	off-line	for	at	least	24	hours.
•	Send	the	person	a	clear,	written	warning	to	stop	harassing	you	and	to	never	con-
tact	you	again.	
•	If	the	harassment	continues,	do	not	respond	to	anything	the	person	writes.	It	gives	
them	a	sense	of	power	and	can	increase	the	stalking.
l	 damage or steal your things 
l	 harass you through the Internet,  
e-mail, or chat rooms
l	 use a hidden camera to watch you
l	 use computer software and hardware 
tools to track and harass you
l	 send gifts or love letters
l	 call all the time
Stalking is illegal, yet 1 in 12 women will 
be stalked in their lifetimes. It is a crime 
that can be hard to prove, harder to stop, 
and difficult to get others to take seri-
ously. Yet 76 percent of women killed by 
their intimate partners were first stalked 
by them.
Most victims are stalked for about 1.8 
years. These women often feel helpless, 
anxious, and depressed. They often have 
nightmares; feel out of control; have 
trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrat-
ing; and live with constant fear. Stalking 
can also cause financial problems if fear 
or depression keeps a woman from going 
to work.
Steps to take if you are being stalked:
l	 Trust your instincts. If you are, or 
think you may be, in danger, find a safe 
place to go, such as a police station, fire 
station, or public area. 
l	 Plan in advance what you will do if 
you are in danger.
l	 If you cannot get out of danger, but 
can get to a phone, call 911. 
l	 Get a restraining order. If the or-
der does not stop the stalker, call a 
violence hotline for advice (toll-free 
numbers are listed in the resource sec-
tion on page 249.)
Violence Against Women
247
•	Change	your	online	identity	and	all	of	the	
information	in	your	IM	or	chat	profile.
•	Change	your	e-mail	address	and	Internet	
service	provider	(ISP).
•	For	e-mail	stalking,	contact	the	person’s	
ISP	and	file	a	complaint.
•	Keep	all	e-mails	or	log	files	from	the	stalker	
for	evidence.
•	If	you	think	you	are	in	physical	danger,	con-
tact	the	police	or	Federal	Bureau	of	Investigation	(FBI).
Be safe online:
•	Never	post	online	profiles	or	messages	with	details	that	could	be	used	to	identify	
or	locate	you	(such	as	age,	sex,	address,	workplace,	phone	number,	school,	teams	
you	play	on,	or	places	you	hang	out).
•	Do	not	post	photos	on	a	site	that	can	be	accessed	by	the	public,	such	as	in	a	
MySpace	profile,	online	dating	profile,	chat	group,	or	blog.
•	Do	not	tell	anyone	your	online	ID	or	passwords.
l	 Take threats seriously. File a complaint 
with the police. If they cannot help, call 
a violence hotline for advice. Until the 
stalkers do something they can be ar-
rested for, police can only talk to them.
l	 Collect evidence for police. Record 
every incident. Include the time, date, 
and other important information. 
l	 Keep videotapes, audiotapes, answer-
ing machine/voicemail messages, e-
mail messages, photos of the person 
outside your home or workplace, prop-
erty damage, and any letters or e-mail. 
l	 Cut off all contact with the stalker. 
l	 Carry a cell phone at all times.
l	 Secure your home with alarms and 
motion-sensitive lights.
l	 Keep your garage and car locked. 
Check around you before getting in 
the car. Get a locking gas cap. Know 
safe locations you can drive to if being 
followed, and stay in the car and blow 
your horn to get attention when you 
stop.
l	 Get help. Tell police, your employer, 
and family, friends, and neighbors 
about the stalking.
Violence against women is a serious 
threat to health and well-being. Yet you 
can take important steps to reduce your 
risk of violence. If you have experienced 
violence, there are people who can help 
you heal emotionally and safely move on 
with your life. The first step is to ask for 
help. If you or someone you know is ex-
periencing violence, contact the resources 
listed in “For more information” or talk 
with someone you trust. No one deserves 
to be hurt. n
248
The Healthy Woman: A Complete Guide for All Ages
One	Woman’s	Story
When	I	started	a	new	job	in	a	different	state,	it	was	hard	for	me	to	meet	new	people	
and	make	friends.	I	became	very	lonely,	so	I	turned	to	the	Internet	for	help.	I	dis-
covered	that	through	online	dating	sites,	I	could	easily	find	men	willing	to	meet	me	and	
buy	me	drinks.	I	enjoyed	the	company	and	attention;	each	time	I	met	a	new	person	was	
exciting,	and	it	made	me	feel	attractive,	sexy.	I	became	addicted	to	that	feeling.	While	at	
first	I	was	cautious	about	meeting	them	in	person,	I	later	became	less	concerned	about	
my	own	personal	safety.	I	ignored	the	horror	stories	I	heard	about	women	disappearing	
or	being	murdered	by	someone	they	met	on	the	Internet.	All	I	wanted	was	that	next	time	
when	I	would	get	dressed	up,	go	out	with	someone	new,	and	feel	on	top	of	the	world.	I	
was	blessedly	lucky—at	first.
I	met	Joe	online	(his	name	has	been	
changed),	and	even	though	he	lived	2	
hours	away,	we	arranged	to	meet	at	a	
halfway	point.	I	missed	all	the	warning	
Don’t let anything 
signs	from	the	start.	He	had	me	meet	him	
at	a	gas	station	where	we	left	his	car	and	
took	mine.	We	went	to	a	club,	and	I	drank	
come before your 
too	much	to	drive	home	safely.	He	said	
he	would	pay	for	a	hotel	and	promised	he	 personal safety.
would	not	try	anything	sexual.	I	trusted	
him.	He	did	not	keep	his	promise,	no	mat-
ter	how	many	times	I	said	STOP.	I	should	
have	screamed	at	the	top	of	my	lungs.	I	should	have	kicked	him.	I	should	have	left	and	
never	looked	back.	But	all	I	kept	thinking	was,	“This	only	happens	to	people	I	hear	about	
in	the	news,	not	me.	Maybe	this	is	my	fault.	Did	I	bring	this	upon	myself?”	I	should	have	
kicked	and	screamed	and	MADE	him	stop.	But	I	didn’t	want	to	make	a	scene.	I	didn’t	
want	to	drive	home	drunk.	I	didn’t	want	to	strand	him	there	with	his	car	halfway	across	
town.	I	lay	there	and	cried.	He	asked	what	was	wrong	and	I	told	him,	“You	RAPED	me.”	He	
denied	it	and	made	me	feel	like	an	idiot.	I	never	reported	him.	
The	next	morning	I	cursed	myself	all	the	way	home	for	being	so	stupid.	It	took	a	lot	of	
time	and	therapy	to	realize	that,	although	it	was	stupid	to	put	myself	in	such	a	dangerous	
situation,	what	happened	to	me	was	not	my	fault.	Even	now	it’s	hard	to	believe	that.	The	
point	of	this	story	is	not	to	scare	anyone	out	of	online	dating.	Years	later	I	signed	up	for	
online	dating	again—my	sense	of	personal	safety	and	self-esteem	intact—and	I	met	the	
man	of	my	dreams.	The	important	thing	to	remember	is	this:	don’t	let	anything	come	be-
fore	your	personal	safety.	And	don’t	be	afraid	to	scream	like	crazy	and	cause	a	scene.	You	
are	worth	it.
Lisa 
San Diego, California
Violence Against Women
249
For More Information…
Office on Women’s Health, HHS
200	Independence	Ave	SW,	Room	712E
Washington,	DC	20201
Web	site:	www.womenshealth.gov/ 
violence
Phone	number:	(800)	994-9662,	 
(888)	220-5446	TDD
Administration on Aging, HHS
1 Massachusetts Ave
Washington,	DC	20201
Web	site:	www.eldercare.gov
Eldercare	Locator:	(800)	677-1116
National Center on Elder Abuse, AOA
c/o	Center	for	Community	Research	and	
Services
University of Delaware
297	Graham	Hall
Newark,	DE	19716
Web	site:	www.ncea.aoa.gov
Phone	number:	(302)	831-3525	for	 
information	on	elder	abuse,	 
(800)	677-1116	to	find	help	in	your	state
Office for Victims of Crime Resource 
Center, DOJ
PO	Box	6000	
Rockville,	MD	20849-6000	
Web	site:	www.ojp.usdoj.gov/ovc/ovcres
Phone	number:	(800)	851-3420
National Center for Victims of Crime and 
the Stalking Resource Center
2000	M	St	NW,	Suite	480
Washington,	DC	20036	
Web	site:	www.ncvc.org	
Phone	number:	(800)	394-2255,	 
(800)	211-7996	TTY/TDD
National Domestic Violence Hotline
PO	Box	161810
Austin,	TX	78716
Web	site:	www.ndvh.org	
Phone	number:	(800)	799-7233,	 
(800)	787-3224	TTY
National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline
Web	site:	www.loveisrespect.org	
Phone	number:	(866)	331-9474,	 
(866)	331-8453	TTY
Rape, Abuse and Incest National  
Network and the National Sexual Assault 
Hotline
2000	L	St	NW,	Suite	406
Washington,	DC	20036
Web	site:	www.rainn.org	
Phone	number:	(800)	656-4673
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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