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<p>Your Blueprint to the No Contact Rule and Beyond Note: This document was originally a series of emails that were sent out to our subscribers on a daily basis to help them through the No Contact Rule by giving them a single thing to do each day to take them from break up to making up with their ex. We decided to give these all out at once rather than make you wait one day in between so that you can work through these at your own pace and so you can see the entire road map in front of you. We still recommend that you follow the schedule outlined in this blueprint for the best results. Remember, one small daily action can start to add up after a while and it can change your life and your relationship. The Ex Solution Program™ by Clay Andrews & Mika Maddela Day 1 - Embracing No Contact Hey there! Welcome to the Ex Solution Program! I'm glad you've decided to take matters into your own hands, however, I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult break up right now. But rest assured that we're going to do everything we can to get you and your ex back together again. Mission 01 Time required: About one hour Let's cut to the chase. In order to make sure you get the most out of this, I'm going to give you missions to do every day or every few days. This way you don't feel overwhelmed and you always know exactly what to do next. Anyway, you should have downloaded all the stuff that comes with the Ex Solution Program Women's or Men's Edition. Today I want you to do two things. First, take some time and just look over the Ex Solution Program. You don't have to do everything yet or read it in detail, but I'd like you to just familiarize yourself with it so that you get a good idea of the big picture and where we're going with all of this. Second, one of the most important things you can do to get your ex back is to use the No Contact rule. Read the section in the eBook on No Contact. No Contact is important for a few reasons: • It gives you the time you need to heal emotionally • It keeps you from doing things you might later regret (such as acting out of desperation) • And it forces your ex to live with the consequences of their decision to break up Today, I want you to look at a calendar and memorize the date one month from today. Then commit to not contacting your ex until that day. This can sometimes be frightening for many people to completely let go. It's human nature to do everything you can to get them back. Often they are afraid that their ex will just move on and forget about them if they aren't there to try and constantly fix things with them. This just isn't the case though. I promise you that your ex won't forget about you in just one month, no matter the impression he or she may be giving off. Doing No Contact, especially at first, will probably be difficult for you. You'll have to fight against your instincts to contact your ex. Here is some advice to make it easier: Anytime you're about to pick up the phone or send an email or anything like that, simply ask yourself why you want to contact your ex. If you feel motivated by neediness or some other negative emotion, realize that what you're doing isn't really in your best interest. It can also help to set up some kind of punishment / reward system for yourself to help motivate you. For example, you could tell your friend that you're going to give up contacting your ex boyfriend or girlfriend for one month. Have your friend be your accountability partner and tell them that for every time you contact your ex, you owe them $20 or some other form of "punishment." Or you can come up with some kind of reward for yourself if you can make it the whole month. Maybe you can get yourself something you've wanted like new camera or TV or something. If you feel like you're working toward something you want, it can really help you fight off those impulses you get to call your ex. Recap: Today, browse through the Ex Solution Program and just get familiar with it. Then commit to doing the No Contact rule for one month. Recognize that it will probably be difficult, so set yourself up for success by figuring out some kind of reward or punishment system to keep you on track for the next 30 days. Good luck, and I'll give you another mission tomorrow. Day 2 - Introduction to Awareness Okay, so it's Day 2 now. I hope you've committed yourself to not contacting your ex for one month now. For the sake of this email series, I'm going to assume that a month is 30 days. In which case, you have 29 more days to go. We're going to use this time to work on your mindset so that you have the right frame of mind to get your ex back. So getting down into the details here, the first mindset quality you want to develop, what I'm calling is Awareness. The idea of Awareness is simply about being in the present moment (rather than off in your mind thinking about other things). Why should you care about being "in the moment" anyway? After all, what does this have to do with getting your ex back? Well, let me ask you this? What's the point of even having a relationship if you're not even going to show up? If you can't just sit with someone and enjoy being there with them, then why would you even want a relationship? The point being that when you are actually living in the moment you can really and truly enjoy someone else's company (rather than being spaced out and thinking about all the things you need to do tomorrow). The past and future are elaborate illusions that prevent you from enjoying LIFE. The past does not make up the present... but the present moment that makes up the past. Dwell on that. When you live in the moment you'll notice all sorts of things about your partner, yourself, and life that would have just otherwise slid right under the radar. Again, you can apply this to other aspects of your life. For example, if you have frequently feel anxiety, you're probably really good at not being in the present moment. Anxiety is an anticipatory emotion-- if you focus on RIGHT NOW, you won't feel anxiety. Anyways, back to your ex... Maybe you don't notice that your ex seems a little anxious (and that just makes them more anxious), for example. Mission 02 Time required: 5 minutes In the eBook, there is an exercise called the Mental Reset Meditation. Find the time to do this today (and at least once a day from here on out). It is really quite simple, but you'll be surprised at how calm and clear you feel after doing it. Simply find a quiet space where you can sit without being disturbed for about 5 minutes. Then close your eyes and focus on your breathing. Just observe your breath going in and out. Your mind will probably start to wander. That's normal. When you notice this happening, just bring your attention back to your breath. Don't judge yourself and beat yourself up for this, just notice your breath again and refocus your mind. Then after 5 minutes (or longer if you really get into this), take your time to readjust to your surroundings, open your eyes, and continue on with your day. Good luck and I'll talk to you again tomorrow. Day 3 - Introduction to Acceptance Today is the third day of this program and the third day you should be keeping yourself from contacting your ex. Only 28 more days to go. Did you do that exercise yesterday? If not, please make sure that you do. Even if you don't really understand how it will directly help you save your relationship, it can help you feel better. And if you've read the eBook, first, we are focusing on YOU. Okay, so moving onward... Today we're talking about the second mindset quality: Acceptance Acceptance simply has to do with how much you are emotionally okay with what is happening. Now there is a bit of a distinction here. Often when people hear "emotionally okay" with something like their break up, they think that means that they need to be happy about it or that they aren't going to do anything to try and change the situation. That's not really the case though. Being emotionally okay with something means that you simply don't add extra suffering to it by resisting it. Think of it like having an itch. If you notice your arm itches, you probably will just scratch it and move on with your life. That's Accepting it. However, you would be adding extra suffering if you immediately assumed that it was some kind of symptom of a disease. Maybe you have a rash! Maybe you should stay up all night worrying about it or run off to the doctor. That is not accepting it. The same is true with break ups. Yeah, it sucks to get dumped. But really, life keeps on going, right? Sooner or later, you'll recover and the feelings of heartbreak will go away. That doesn't mean that you should just sit by idly as your boyfriend or girlfriend walks out of your life, though. You can still do things to save that relationship, but if you resist the fact that the break up happened or beat yourself up over it, you're just going to create additional suffering on top of the pain you're experiencing. Why torture yourself? Now, I understand that this sounds great in theory, but it can be challenging to really apply it to your life. It's often easier to start with something small rather than jumping right into "big" stuff. So that brings us to today's mission. Mission 03 Time required: About 15 minutes Simply go out somewhere in public and find a place to sit. This could be at the park, at a mall, at a coffee shop, or anywhere that works for you. Then just simply soak in what's happening around you and notice how you feel about it. Do you notice any sort of judgments about other people there that you really don't know to be true? Remember judgments could be either good or bad (example: "that guy dresses really well. He probably makes a lot of money," or "That mother can't get her child to stop crying! I bet she has a hard time controlling her kid"). The point here is to just notice how you label others either in a good way or a bad way. Then consider that these are all really just things you made up in your own mind. In reality you probably don't know anything about these people. Maybe what you imagined is true, but isn't it also just as possible that it isn't? If you can continue to do this and start to look at how this idea might also apply to other things in your life, you might be able to change thoughts like: "This break up is the worst feeling imaginable." And really question them. I mean, how do you really know that? Isn't it possible that it could also be an amazing opportunity for you to move your life in a positive direction? So, take the time to do this exercise, and I'll send you another one tomorrow. Day 4 - Introduction to Commitment Welcome back! Glad you're keeping up with this. Today I want to talk to you about something that is very important. And that is the third of the mindset qualities: Commitment Specifically this refers to how committed you are to what you believe and moving your life toward the vision you have for yourself. Now, obviously, you have at least some sort of vision for how you want your life to look if your reading this and you want to save your relationship. That's good. But have you maybe made a few compromises to try and do that? Maybe you've begged and pleaded with your ex to take you back. Maybe you've called your ex several times a day just to get through to them, hoping that maybe they missed you. You know you're acting out of character and on some level it leaves you feeling bad. It doesn't feel good to beg or plead, now does it? It can be easy to lose touch with your values and get mired down in the details of life that you lose sight of what's really important to you. Mission 04 Time required: About 10 minutes Chances are good that aside from your relationship, there is at least one other thing you would like to improve in your life. (don't worry, believe it or not this all ties back to your relationship too) Maybe you know you should get in shape, change careers, make new friends, or start eating healthy. Either way, pick one aspect of your life that you are not satisfied with and decide to spend the rest of these 30 days working to improve it. I'll send you one more mission tomorrow and then you'll get a few days off or to catch up if you've fallen behind due to work or personal issues. Day 5 - Take the First Step I know I've giving you a lot to go over the past few days. Today, I'll keep this short, then I'll give you two days off to relax or catch up. Mission 05 Time required: Varies So, yesterday you should have decided on one thing in your life that you are going to start improving. You may not realize it, but by focusing on improving your life will immensely help you get in the right mindset to attract your ex back. Your task is to take the first step toward doing that. Maybe you need go out and sign up with a gym, update your resume, or go to the grocery store and buy some healthy foods. Just basically take the thing you're going to be working on and break it down into the first step you can think of. Then go out and do it! You'll be receiving the next email mission in 3 days, so you have until then to do it. Day 8 - The Power of Gratitude Hey! How have the past few days been for you?It should have been at least one week since you stopped contacting your ex. If for some reason you did talk to your ex, why was it? It's okay if you had to for work reasons or because you have a kid with them or something like that. But if it was an act of desperation or feeling that you needed to hear from your ex to feel okay about yourself, then realize that something like that isn't going to help you right now. Don't worry you'll be reconnecting with your ex in a few weeks, but for now, you really need to focus on your own healing. And did you take that first step toward improving some aspect of your life? Remember, it doesn't have to be a huge step. In fact, taking a small step can be much less intimidating (which will make it much more likely you'll follow through). Anyway, here's what I'd like you to do today. Mission 06 Time required: 5 minutes One important thing that can really help to improve your outlook on life is to get in the habit of finding things to be thankful for every single day. I know that this may seem hard initially. Especially if you're feeling pretty down about your break up. That's okay. Just start small. Get a notebook and fill up one page per day with things that you're grateful for. Even if they seem incredibly small like, "I'm grateful that I know how to read" or "I'm grateful that I have clothes to wear." For example, today I'm grateful for enjoying a nice and relaxing cup of coffee. I watched people sleepily walk in and out of the coffee shop as they stumbled off to work or what have you. Slow and relaxing mornings are the best, aren't they? If you keep doing this, you'll start to find things to be grateful for and it will shift the way you think. This seems small, but small things like this can start to add up over time and they can really transform the way you see thing. Day 9 - Getting “In” Your Body Hey, how is everything going these days? Today, I'm going to talk to you about something that may not really make much sense at first, but please bear with me. Last week, we talked about Awareness and the importance of getting your mind "in the moment." Today, I want to talk about getting your body "in the moment" too. Why is this important and what does this have to do with saving your relationship? Well, have you ever been really stressed out for some reason? Maybe it was a work or school deadline. Maybe your shoulders started to get tense. Your back and neck got so stiff that soon you lost feeling in them all together. You just got so used to it that you completely forgot that you were stressed at all. Well, guess what? Even if you went numb to the feelings in your body, that doesn't mean that they've gone away or that other people can't feel them. You might be holding yourself in an awkward way that perhaps other people can literally feel whenever you're around. I don't say this to make you feel uncomfortable around others. Just to get you to actually notice how you're holding yourself and your body. Just try on for a moment the idea that you might be holding your body in a way that could actually be turning people away from you. Maybe you're clenching your stomach muscles or maybe you're holding a lot of tension in your shoulders. Either way, you can bet that other people (especially your ex) can feel this and that it is subtlety turning them off or making them feel uncomfortable around you. Well, the first step to fixing this problem is to get your body back in the present. To do this, We've put together a special mediation exercise called the Physical Reset exercise. Misson 07 Time Required: About 15 minutes When you got this program, you should have gotten the Physical Relaxation Meditation. Find the time to listen to this. This mediation will help you relax more into your body and become aware of any places you might be holding excess tension or stress in your body. Listen to this recording and simply notice how each part of your body feels. The more aware you become the more difficult it will be to continue to do these things that you may be doing unconsciously. So today listen to the recording and simply notice how you're holding yourself. We'll be in touch with you tomorrow and we'll go deeper into the idea of Acceptance. Day 10 - Needing vs Wanting Your Ex Back Today, I want to talk about the difference between needing and wanting your ex back. Often times, this can be the biggest thing keeping you from actually saving your relationship. You see, when you NEED your ex back, you are giving off a vibe that your ex can literally feel. This vibe sends out two messages that push your ex lover away. First, it sends off the message that you aren't okay as a person without them. In other words, you need them to feel okay about yourself. This is not attractive and it will make your ex feel awkward around you. But secondly, it will also send out the message that you need your ex to be something for you (namely your girlfriend or boyfriend). These are both two sides of the same thing. On one hand, your ex feels like they are responsible for your emotional well-being. And on the other hand, your ex feels like you're trying to force them into a box--into a role of being in a relationship with you. The problem with this is that it completely overlooks and ignores their feelings and desires. In the end, your ex just feels like they are under too much pressure and your ex will feel like he or she doesn't want to be around you. But if instead of NEEDING your ex back, you simply WANTED them back, that would change everything. You see, you can still want a relationship with your ex without having your entire emotional well-being depend on it. Chances are, this is how you felt when the two of you first got together. You thought your ex was attractive and you wanted to be with them, but at the same time, it's not like your whole life and emotional well-being hung on your ex. So what do you do about this? Obviously it would make sense to turn off this feeling of NEEDING your back, but how do you do that? Understand that the NEEDING feeling comes from you, and a belief that you won't be able to handle life on your own (or some variation on that theme). Today you mission will help you change this... Mission 08 Time required: 10 minutes daily Today I'd like you to start doing what I'm calling Mirror Affirmations. If you've done any sort of personal development before, you have probably heard of affirmations (and maybe even tried them out). However, I'm suggesting that you perform your affirmations while looking yourself in the eye in the mirror. This is important because, it really engages you emotionally (which is what is usually lacking in traditional affirmations). Plus, it gives you the sensation that you are talking to someone and being spoken to at the same time. So, starting today, take about 10 minutes each day to stare yourself in the eye in the mirror and repeat a simple affirmation over and over again. Examples of good affirmations include: "I'm okay." "I can handle this." "I love myself." Alternatively you can design an affirmation that may be more suitable to you or your situation. Just remember that affirmations should be stated in the present tense ("I am okay," not "I will be okay") and they should be stated in the positive tense ("I can make it through this," not "This won't kill me"). The ideal time to do this would be right before going to bed at night or right after waking up in the morning. Also, keep in mind that it usually takes between 3 weeks and a month for affirmations to really start "working." What you're doing here is essentially banishing your limiting beliefs, so have the persistence to do this for at least 3 weeks. Day 11 - The Difference Between Nice Guys/Girls and Jerks Hey there. Today I want to talk about something that seems to come up a lot with people. A lot of people have heard the old saying that "nice guys/girls finish last." And it's true! Nice Guys/Girls have a way of putting other people's needs before their own. On a deep unconscious level, many of them believe that if they take care of everyone else, that others will take care of their needs in return. This often leads to a lot of passive aggressive behavior, frustration, and poor communication. The opposite of the Nice Guy/Girl is the Jerk. The Jerk doesn't try to please others in order to get their needs met. Instead, they pretends that he or she doesn't have any needs at all. The Jerk hides their true feelings and behind a "tough guy/girl" act. On a deep unconscious level the Jerk believes that having no needs at all will make them strong. But this isn't the case. Instead, he or she just appears brittle and inflexible. So which is the answer? Who would most people rather be with? Nice Guys/Girls or Jerks? If given the choice between the two, most people will pick the Jerk. But really they don't like either. When you realize this, you can start to see that neither is a healthy way of dealing with your emotions and needs. Instead, you will find you can have much more honest and rewarding relationships if you simply own your emotions and feelings instead of avoiding them or denying them like the Nice Guy/Girl or the Jerk. If you can say with confidence that you feel sad, that you miss your ex, or that you wish things had turned out differently (without coming off as needy), you'll experience a big change when you're dealing with your ex--or life in general. Mission 09 Time required: varies The first step to get you to openly sharing your emotions and owning your experience of the world is to simply be honest with how you feel. If one of your friends calls you up and says that they heard you are going through a break up and asks you how you're doing, don't lie and tell your friend you're fine when you're not. If you feel sad, just tell them that you feel sad about it. You don't need to break down and start sobbing or anything, but by honestly and openly stating how you feel you will be able to build more trust and respect with others (especially your ex--but that comes later). So your mission is to start openly stating how you feel about things in your day-to-day life. Get in the habit of doing this every day (it will come in handy when you reinitiate contact with your ex again). I'll talk to you tomorrow. Day 12 - Rebuilding Friendships Hey, how are you doing today? I know I've given you a lot this week as well, so today's email is going to be fairly short. Mission 10 Time required: varies If you've been in a relationship for awhile, then there's probably a good chance that you've let some personal friendships slip a bit over the that time. Don't feel bad about it, it happens to a lot of people. But now is a great time to reconnect with your friends. Chances are good they are eager to hear from you. So, call them up and go grab a drink, get lunch, or just go and hang out. This will really help you keep things in perspective and help you build new fun memories with other people. Plus, this is a great chance to practice that exercise from yesterday about speaking your truth. Okay, so try to spend some time with your friends within the next few days. I'm going to give you the next two days to do that or catch up with other missions that you may have put off for one reason or another (we know life gets busy). Day 15 - Healing Negative Feelings Hey. Did you get in touch with some of your friends over the past few days? Don't discount the power of keeping in touch with other people in helping you feel better about yourself. Now, as far as today goes, I know that dealing with negative feelings is an important thing you might be struggling with right now. So, today, we're going to take care of that. Mission 11 Time required: 15 minutes When you got this program, you should have also downloaded a recording called the Funnel Meditation. Today, take about 15 minutes and find a place where you can relax without being disturbed and listen to this recording. It will help you deal with any negative feelings you might be experiencing. Feel free to listen to this whenever you might be feeling bad to help you remove those bad feelings and help you feel better. Take Care, Clay & Mika P. S. You should be proud of yourself and how far you've come. It's only been a few days but you're taking ACTION to overcome your breakup. You're not losing yourself in a pint of ice cream or wallowing over how much it hurts to listen to music because it reminds you of your ex (I, at least, hope not). Instead, you're taking action to ATTRACT your ex back and most importantly, you're taking action to HEAL and improve yourself. Props to you:) Day 16 - Being Mindful Hey, We hope everything is going well for you. Today I want to revisit the idea of living in the moment and why it is so crucial. When you look back on your life and all the memories you've managed to accumulate up till now, you probably remember most, the times that you were fully in the present moment. Often times, the significant things stick out the most. When someone dies, a graduation, a wedding, that magical moment when a new relationship starts or even when you witness a shooting star. And that is because these moments shock us into really being in the present moment. But I'm sure there are also times when you remember things that are completely "mundane" and "ordinary." Maybe it's going to work, having lunch, or talking to a friend. These memories linger in your mind because you were completely alive and in the moment when they happened. You were aware of yourself and what was happening around you. I think most people want to live a rich and fulfilling life, and one way to do that isn't to necessarily fill your life with exciting thrills (though there is nothing wrong with that). You can enjoy the richness of your own life right now by simply bringing 100% of your attention to this moment right now. You can do this anytime you wish without having to constantly "shock" yourself into the present by doing bold and outrageous things. Simply do whatever you're doing with 100% of your attention. Mission 12 Time required: varies Today, try to do one thing with all of your attention. Preferably something simple. Maybe it's eating a meal, walking to work, or just sitting by yourself. Focus your mind on what you're doing and catch yourself whenever you notice your mind drifting away from the moment (into the past or future, or onto judgments of others or yourself). If you do this without drifting off to something else, whatever you do will come alive and it will seem like an incredibly rich and meaningful moment in your life. This is important because soon we'll be bringing this same quality to your relationship. Day 17 - Welcoming Discomfort Well, here we are on luck mission number 13 :) Today, we're revisiting the idea of Acceptance. When you don't Accept what is happening you create added suffering in your life. Now, remember that this doesn't mean you have to be happy about what happens or that you don't do anything about it. Just that you don't fight against it. Developing Acceptance in your life will help you become much more flexible about things and it will give you a much wider range of things you can experience with other people (like your ex). Oftentimes, the things that cause us to resist what is happening and not Accept them are when they don't go as we plan or as we think they are supposed to go. So your mission today is intentionally make something not go according to plan or to do something against the grain of how you think it should go. Mission 13 Time required: varies Do one thing today that makes you feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's going to a nice sit-down restaurant by yourself. Maybe it's making yourself the center of attention. Maybe making a new friend. Just do one thing that just goes against the way you think things ought to be. Chances are good that you'll feel uncomfortable at first. But what you might discover too is that you'll still be okay and that life keeps on going. It's also empowering to know that you did something that would normally make you run the other direction! Suddenly that barrier that you thought held you back isn't there anymore and you feel much freer. Have fun, and don't get in any trouble :) Day 18 - Be Selfish Today I'd like you to practice putting your needs first. Many people, especially those who are trying to save their relationship, have a tendency to neglect their own needs and put a priority on the needs of others. It is important to take care of your own needs and learn to value yourself. The first step is to just get back in touch with your own needs and desires. Mission 14 Time required: one day For one day, I'd like you to put yourself first. Do things just for you. When you have lunch, eat something that makes you happy. When you are hanging out at home, do something you truly enjoy doing (lounging, reading a book or ignoring mundane chores). Within reason, put all the other things aside until tomorrow and just satisfy yourself for one day without any "should's" or "have to's." This day is all about you. Happy "You Day" Day 19 - Focusing on What You Want Most people focus on what they don't want when they are outside their comfort zone. For example, if you went to a fancy sit-down restaurant by yourself, you may have worried that other people would look at you and wonder why you were there alone. Did someone stand you up for a date? This is an example of focusing on what you don't want. And it causes you to hesitate, second-guess yourself, and ultimately create bad feelings inside of you. Instead, you could just as easily have focused on what you DO want. Going to a restaurant by yourself often means that you get faster service and choosing where you want to go to eat instead of having to compromise. You see, you can really make yourself feel either good or bad about just about anything. So why not make yourself feel good by focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want? When you focus on what you don't want, you're essentially running in the dark blind-- with no direction in mind. However, when you do focus on what you want, you know where you're going and you have a MUCH better chance of getting there. Here's another another example: Many people who are struggling to lose weight focus on how difficult and painful it will be for them to get the desired body they want. And then eventually they give up. However, those who succeed in achieving their weight loss goals all have this one thing in common: They FOCUS on what they want and their desired results. They focus on what it would feel like to wear flattering clothes in the summer verses hiding their body in baggy sweats. Here's your mission for the day. Mission 15 Time required: all day Today watch your mind and notice when you are focusing on what you want and when you're focusing on what you don't want. When you catch yourself focusing on what you don't want, simply ask yourself "Well, what DO I want?" and change your focus. Next week, I'll be getting you prepared to break your one month of No Contact by helping you get your mindset right for actually talking to your ex again. But until then, take the next two days to either relax or catch up on any of the missions you may have put off. Day 22 - Last Minute Details Hey there. Today, we're shifting gears a bit. You've spent the past few weeks working on yourself. But moving forward from here, we're going to focus on getting you ready to get back in touch with your ex again. After all, you might be doing okay on your own, but when you're on the spot with your ex... well, that can sometimes throw you off. Mission 16 Time required: varies Before we get into all of that, though. I just want you to ask yourself a quick question. Are you ready to get back in touch with your ex? Are you ready to deal with the possibility that your ex might start a fight, tell you about the new person he or she is dating, or cause any other sort of conflict? If you're not, do whatever you can to be emotionally okay with these possibilities. Do the funnel meditation again. Do the exercise where you burn away your negative beliefs, if you can do it safely. Spend time talking to your friends. Work on your affirmations. Go balls to the walls at the gym. Focus on what you do want instead of don't want. If there is any part of you that you think still NEEDS to get your ex back in order to feel emotionally okay, then work on that. Day 23 - Staying in the Moment with Your Ex Okay, so pretty soon, you'll be seeing your ex again and rebuilding your relationship with them. While you're doing this, it is important for you to remember to stay in the moment with them. Maybe you've done those Awareness exercises and they've worked well when you're by yourself... ...But it can be much more challenging with you're with your ex and you're trying to save your relationship. Here are a few basic things to keep in mind that often pull your attention out of the present moment when you're with your ex: 1.) Worrying what they are thinking - This is understandable, but remember, that you really have no way of knowing what they are thinking. 2.) Being defensive - This might including worrying that they might start a fight or bring up something you did from the past. 3.) Emotional hot buttons - There are a lot of emotions wrapped up in relationships, and it's no surprise that that something could easily press an emotional hot button of yours. 4.) Rehearsing what you want to say - I know you probably have a lot to tell them, but when you find yourself rehearsing what you're going to say, you are definitely not being present in the moment. Mission 17 Time required: a few minutes Today, try to have a conversation with someone else and stay completely present and in the moment. This might be a coworker or a friend. It really doesn't matter. Just try to watch yourself and see if you can stay in the moment with this person. Day 24 - Shared Humanity Okay so today we are taking another look at the idea of Acceptance, but how it relates to you and your ex. You see, a lot of people have a problem of seeing their ex as some kind of perfect person or someone who has control over their entire emotional well-being. But you see... your ex is not perfect. They have their own flaws too. In fact, when you hold your ex in this high regard, they probably feel awkward and uncomfortable around you. You see, your isn't a perfect person, and he or she doesn't want to feel responsible for your emotional well-being. Your ex has their own fears, goals, and desires in life-- just like you. When you remember that your ex is a human being who shares the same emotional experiences that you have, you can begin to set aside that part of you that sees them as a perfect person. Just this simple mindset shift can have a huge impact if you do nothing else but change the way you see and think about your ex. This will allow you to reconnect with your ex in a way that has them letting their guard down and relaxing around you. Mission 18 Time required: about a few minutes Find the time to talk to someone today, and as you're talking to them, take a moment to remind yourself that they are just trying to find their way through life, just like you, and find their own happiness. Notice if this makes you empathize with them more or feel more connected to them. Does this make you feel more curious about their life and does this make conversation flow a little bit easier? Day 25 - Are You a Nice Guy/Girl or a Jerk? Today we are revisiting the concept of Commitment. A lot of men have this belief that women don't like Nice Guys and that they just end up dating Macho Jerks. Or that men only date women who are Snobby High Maintenance Barbies instead of Nice Girls. This really isn't the case. Most people don't really like either types of these men or women. You see, both the Nice Guy, Macho Jerk, The Bitch, Nice Girls are all disconnected from their feelings and emotions. The Nice Guy/Girl believes that speaking up and letting other know about their needs or feelings is dangerous and that the only way to get their own needs met is by taking care of others at the expense of themselves. The Macho Jerk/ The Bitch on the other hand believes that showing feelings or emotion is a sign of weakness and that the only way to get what they wants in life is to come off as unbreakable like a stone. But neither of these is really a healthy way to manage your life. A real person that a man or woman can feel that they can trust and build a real meaningful relationship isn't afraid to speak their mind and own their feelings. When you get back in touch with your ex, you want to be able to speak your mind fully without being a doormat Nice Guy/Girl or an emotionally brittle Macho Jerk/Bitch. Mission 19 Time required: a few minutes First, decide if you think you are more prone to being a Nice Guy/Girl and caving into others' desires or if you are more of a Macho Jerk/Bitch and give off the impression of being tough and unbreakable. If you think you are more inclined to be a Nice Guy/Girl, then practice saying "no" to people today when they ask you to do things that you would rather not do. If you think you are more inclined to be a Macho Jerk/Bitch, then practice being vulnerable and sharing your emotional experience with someone today. Day 26 - Planning a Date with Your Ex Okay, so the time to break your one month period of No Contact is fast approaching. Soon, you'll be planning a date with your ex to get back in touch and reconnect. But where are you going to go with your ex? The ideal place for a date like this to take place is somewhere boring. This may seem counter-intuitive, but you don't want to focus of the date to be on how exciting the date is. You want the focus to be on you and your ex so that the two of you can have a chance to have an emotional connection. The perfect place, in my opinion would be a local independent coffee shop. Some place that has a nice ambiance and character to it where you can have a relaxed and intimate conversation. Plus, coffee is great for a date like this because, unlike other dates, there is very little commitment. If something goes wrong and the date goes bad, you don't have to sit there in an awkward situation while you wait for the check to come. Mission 20 Time required: varies Over the next few days try to find a place to take your ex when you ask them out next week. Search your local area for coffee shops or other places that are relaxed and don't involve some kind of intense time- or money-commitment. (Avoid long drawn out dinners in a restaurant... it can get super awkward and you'll have no escape route). I'm going to give you the next two days off to catch up with the past few missions or to relax before we contact your ex next week. Day 29 - Are You Ready to Contact Your Ex? Hey, did you find a possible date location to take your ex? Well, tomorrow, you're going to be taking the first steps toward restoring contact with your ex. Today I just want you to check in with yourself and make sure that you are absolutely ready to get back in touch with them. You are NOT ready to get back in touch with them if you... - Feel the need to show them how good she would have had it if they didn't leave you. - See if they miss you. - Feel the need to beg them to come back to you. - Feel as if you need them in order to be happy. - Feel the need to make them regret leaving you. If you feel motivated by any of these feelings, you are definitely NOT ready to get back in touch with your ex. If that is the case, continue working on the personal-development exercises that have been covered so far. Mission 21 Time required: varies Take some time to honestly ask yourself if you are ready to restore contact with your ex. Be really honest here and don't lie to yourself. Only you know for certain if you are truly ready, so don't simply brush this off. From here on out, I'm going to assume that you ARE ready to get back in touch with your ex. But if you aren't ready, don't rush this. You can save the following missions for future reference when you are ready to move forward. Day 30 - Ending No Contact Okay, so today is the day that you're going to end your one month of No Contact with your ex. Again, I'm going to assume that you are emotionally ready to get back in touch with your ex. If you aren't ready, that's fine. Just make sure to keep working on yourself until you know inside that you are ready. You can always come back to this email when you are ready. There are really two ways that I'd recommend you get back in touch with your ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. The first is with a handwritten letter and the second is with a short email. Handwritten Letter Use a letter if you and your ex were together for a while or you did a few things that may have been out of character when you initially heard about the break up. Basically, just keep it short and brief. You can apologize for anything you might have done that you feel bad about, but don't go overboard. Also mention that you've been taking your life in a new direction, or you can also bring up any sort of detail you might remember about him or what he is up to. Here is an example of a letter you might write: "Dear John, Hello. I know that we've been broken up for awhile now. I've had some time to think about things. I know I've acted a little crazy when we first broke up. I did some things that I now regret, and I wanted to say that I'm sorry for that. I guess I just had a hard time dealing with the break up at first. Anyway, I hope you're doing well. I've taken the past few weeks to get my act together and make some changes in my life. I feel like I'm really moving in a positive direction. I remember you said you have an important presentation at work this month. Good luck with that. I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead. All the Best, Mika Maddela" Note how short it is. It's not a long letter and it doesn't have a bunch of gushing emotions in it. If you can write this by hand and also write the address by hand. It is more personal, and it is more likely to get opened. Short Email Use a short email if the two of you weren't together for a long time or if your relationship wasn't as serious. The basic strategy is the same. You just want to come across as a cool and collected person. Or you can just casually mention something that you know she likes. Write a good subject line too. Try to think up something that might inspire a little curiosity. Avoid things like "hey" or "hello." Here is an example of an email you might write: "Subject: You'll Never Guess What... Message: Hey, I was talking to a friend when they mentioned that the Killers are going to be in town on the 25th. I know you like the Killers, so I thought you might like to know. I hope you're doing well, Take Care, Clay Andrews" Mission 22 Time required: about 15 minutes Today either write a letter or an email and send it to your ex. You can even take the example messages above and just adapt them to your situation. Don't worry too much about this. Just remember to give the impression of being calm and collected. Avoid topics like how much you've suffered since the break up or other negative things. From here on out you won't be getting emails every day from me. I'll send you a new email every 3 or 4 days. The reason for this is because from here on out you'll be doing things like waiting for your ex to reply to you, or asking them out, or planning a date. These will require the two of you to work things out with your individual schedules, and I don't want you to feel like you're slipping behind. You don't have to do the following missions in order since they may not apply to your situation or you might not be at the stage where you need the advice yet. That's okay. You can simply save them for future reference and come back to them if you need them. Okay, so make sure you take the time to get back in touch with your ex today. After No Contact Mission 23 - How to Ask Your Ex Out Hey there. I don't know if you've had the chance to get back in touch with your ex yet, but some time soon, you'll probably need to ask your ex out. You should do this after the two of you have written back and forth a bit, or maybe after your ex has called you up after getting your letter. But, if you've got a little bit of rapport going back and forth, you should transition quickly to asking your ex out. Either way, keep this in mind so that you'll be ready to ask your ex out when the time is right. If you're calling your ex to ask them out, make sure you've got a plan ready. Remember a few days back, I told you to find a place to meet up with your ex? Preferably some kind of unique coffee shop with character? Ask your ex to meet you there at a time that works for both of you. A lot of "dating experts" will tell you to avoid asking an ex out on a weekend or whatever because it shows that you don't have any plans, but I don't really think this matters. If you've been doing some of the earlier missions, you should be taking your life in a new direction anyway and it shouldn't matter if you happen to have a Saturday morning free (as an example). Anyway, find a quiet place to call your ex where you won't be disturbed by other people or unexpected noises. Keep the conversation short and brief. You can chit chat a little bit when you first get your ex on the phone, but don't let this turn into one of those 2 hour phone calls. The point is to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend to go out with you for coffee to catch up. Don't catch up over the phone so that there's nothing to talk about over coffee. Anyway after a minute or two of talking, just say something like: "Hey, it's been really great to talk to you again. Let's catch up some more over coffee." If your ex says yes, tell them the time and place and then leave it at that. If they seems hesitant, that's okay and probably to be expected if you were like me and went a little "crazy" right after the break up. Just laugh it off and say something like "Hey, I promise I won't bite." If your ex is still hesitant, that's okay too. You might need to take things at a slower pace. Just be that fun person your ex fell for the first time and before long, your ex will be reminded of all the great things about you and they'll probably agree to meet you. NOTE: When you're asking your ex out, don't use the word "date." That implies a lot of things that they might not be ready for yet. Instead just use the words "hang out" or "coffee" since they will sound much more casual. Mission 23 Time required: 5 - 10 minutes Call your ex up and ask them out. Again, remember to keep the conversation short and sweet. It shouldn't last more than 10 minutes. Save the catching up for coffee :) What to Talk About on Your Date So, maybe you've got that date coming up. What should you talk about on your date with your ex? Well, since you two haven't seen each other in at least a month, the obvious thing to do is to catch up with each other. Remember, to keep your self curious about your ex and remember that your ex is a human being just like you with their own fears and dreams. When you can remind yourself of this, you should never run out of things to talk about. Remember, it is completely fair game to ask questions like "how do you feel about seeing me again?" or "Are you enjoying yourself right now?" as long as you say them from a perfectly grounded place and you're okay with either a positive or negative response. It might take some courage to ask your ex questions like these, but you'd be surprised at how a question like this can really get the bottom of what is really going on. How to Act on Your Date If you haven't already had your first date with your ex, here are some guidelines for how to act on a date. First, show up on time. Don't be late, it is just disrespectful. Second, dress nicely. Now, you don't need to go overboard here, but dress in a way that shows you have taste yet you're also a little casual. A good example for guys of this would be to wear a button up shirt with jeans and some black shoes. Or if you're a women, wear a flattering but comfortable outfit. Third, be polite and courteous to each other. Open the door for her (if you’re a guy), offer to pay for the date, say please and thank you, compliment them on their new shirt and all that stuff. Do it in the way a gentleman or lady would do this, not in a "sucking up" sort of way. Fourth, show up in a good mood. You want to remind your ex of the happy person they once fell in love with, so show up smiling and in a good mood. Don't fake this, so pump yourself up beforehand by joking around with a friend on the phone or listening to a comedian on your ipod on the way over there. Other than that, just be yourself and let the conversation flow naturally. Don't force things. Try to keep the conversation positive, but don't be afraid to talk about anything that your ex brings up. How to Plan a Second Date If you've had your first date with your ex, you should start thinking about planning a second date. The second date can be less structured than the first coffee date. Here you can plan the date based on something the two of you talked about on the first date or something you know that she likes. This sends the message that you are paying attention to your ex and that you aren't just stuck up in your own head. For example, if your ex said something about how it has been so long since they've had sushi, you can suggest to go out for sushi one night. It's really that simple. Other than that, keep those four guidelines from the last email I sent you in mind: Show up on time, dress well, be chivalrous, and show up in a good mood. The important thing from here on out is to have fun with your ex and see if you really do want to get back together again. I know it can be strange to think this after you've put so much effort into getting back your ex, but perhaps you might be at a place in your life right now where you realize you don't want that relationship back. Anyway, that's a lot to think about. Just keep it in the back of your mind as you continue to date and do your best to have fun with your ex. What to Do if You Have a Bad Experience with Your Ex? Hey there, How is everything going with your ex? I know it's been awhile, but I wanted to share something important with you. What should you do if you have a bad experience with your ex? Maybe you and your ex were out on a date and somehow the two of you ended up in an argument. Or you try to make a joke, but it just doesn't land right and he or she takes it as an insult (this happened to me once). Does this mean that hope is lost? Not by a long shot. You can still recover from a bad experience, and here's how. Take a few days to just cool off. Maybe one week of No Contact would help. Then call your ex up or message them in some way. If you did something wrong, apologize for that (but don't apologize if you didn't do anything wrong). Tell your ex that things seemed off the last time the two of you were together. Then just ask your ex out again and go on another date. It can really be that simple. What you're essentially doing here, is just wiping the slate clean from any negative emotions and starting over. This is just like what you did when you used the No Contact rule to wipe away the negative feelings from the original break up, but at a smaller scale. However, despite your best efforts and best intentions, you might need to ask yourself if your ex is just at a place in their life right now where your ex is purposefully instigating fights or other negative interactions with you. If your ex is, be sure to tell your ex that you feel like are doing everything you can to get along with them, but things just don't seem to be working out. Then leave your ex alone and focus on improving your own life. Don't be surprised if this is enough to get your ex to want to work things out and try harder with you. When you leave the burden of ending things badly on them, your ex will feel that they needs to redeem themselves to you. Anyway, the point is that you shouldn't give up just because you've had a bad experience with your ex. You can absolutely bounce back from most bad things that might happen while the two of you are getting back together. FULL PROGRAM </p>
