James Burns
Anti-Bullying
101 Tips To Help Stop Bullying,
Improve Behavior, Teach Respect,
and Encourage Responsibility
1 1
Copyright 2013, James Burns. All rights reserved.
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iii
Bullying has become epidemic in our schools, and no matter
how you slice it, this behavior has gotten out of hand. Teachers,
administrators, and parents are all looking to something that
will just make the problem go away. There is not one program
or intervention that will stop bullying. It takes a concerted
effort of teachers, administrators, parents, and students to help
create a climate of respect and responsibility. Successful schools
that have really made a difference use data-driven programs
and remain consistent in their efforts day after day and year
after year. Anti-Bullying 101 is designed to support whatever
program your school is using and to provide a resource for
teachers to call upon when the going gets tough. Some of the
tips might surprise you. They not only address bullying but
also provide ways to build positive relationships, improve the
attitude of your students, and provide some life lessons that we
all can learn from. So read on: Anti-Bullying 101 will prove to
be the supplement that you and your school need to help stop
bullying. It is very basic and very easyuse them in school, use
them with your own children, and apply them in life.
Introduction
v

1. Some Things Are Right or Wrong; Black or White.
No Gray Area. Bullying Is One of Them. . . . . . . . . . 1

2. Is Obedience a Dirty Word? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 2

3. Stop Asking, Start Telling . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

4. They Just Don't Know . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4

5. What Ever Happened to Mr., Mrs., and Ms.? . . . . . . 6

6. Kids Need to Learn How to Cooperate Even
Though They Might Disagree . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7

7. Teach Your Students That It Is Ok to Disagree,
but with the Right Attitude . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8

8. The Art of Forgiveness. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9

9. Teach Character . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .10

10. Keep It Simple . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .11

11. The Character Quality of Respect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .12

12. Respect: I'll Give It When I Get It. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .13

13. Teaching Respect: Correct It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .14

14. Teaching Respect It's Emotional . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .15

15. What Are We Responsible For? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .17

16. What Are We Responsible For? Our Words . . . . . . . .18

17. What Are We Responsible For? Our Actions . . . . . . .19

18. What Are We Responsible For? Our Attitudes . . . . .20

19. What Are We Responsible For? Our Motives. . . . . . .21
Contents

20. Instruction, Warning, Correction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .22

21. The Character Quality Of Alertness . . . . . . . . . . . . .23

22. Practice Empathic Listening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .24

23. Role Play With Your Students. Give Them the
Language They Need to Respond To A Bully
Correctly . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .25

24. Fighting Is Not an Option When
Dealing with a Bully . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .26

25. Friendship, Fighting, and Bullying . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .27

26. I Was Just Joking Around . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .28

27. We Only Have To Be Brave For Two Minutes at a
Time . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .29

28. Provide a Safe Learning Environment . . . . . . . . . . . .30

29. If You Hear It or See It, You Own It . . . . . . . . . . . . . .31

30. Can You Handle the Truth? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .32

31. I Like You, but.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .33

32. Compromise . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .34

33. Change . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .35

34. Fear: The Greatest Motivator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .37

35. I'm Sorry . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .38

36. Don't Argue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .39

37. Weakness or Difference ? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .40

38. FOX , CNN , & MSNBC . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .41

39. Write About It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .42

40. Read About It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .43

41. Freedom of Speech? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .44

42. Anti Bullying Programs . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45

43. Anti Bullying Programs : Where Are They? . . . . . . .47

44. Anti Bullying Programs : Teach It . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .48

45. Behavior Management And Bullying . . . . . . . . . . . . .49

46. The Rescuer . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .50
Contents
vi
Contents
vii

47. Beware Of The Collaborator . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .51

48. I Am Capable . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .52

49. I Am Connected . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .53

50. I Can Contribute . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .54

51. Teach The Correct Response . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .55

52. Cyber Bullying Definition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .56

53. Cyber Bullying: Tactic One/Flaming . . . . . . . . . . . . .57

54. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Two/ E-Mail Threats
And Dissemination . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .58

55. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Three/Exclusion . . . . . . . . . .59

56. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Four/ Harrassment . . . . . . . .60

57. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Five/ Phishing . . . . . . . . . . . .61

58. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Six/Impersonation . . . . . . . .62

59. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Seven/ Denigration . . . . . . . .63

60. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Eight/ Email and
Cell Phone Dissemination . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .64

61. Cyber Bullying: Tactic Ten/ Cyber Stalking . . . . . . .65

62. 5 Signs That a Child May Be Being Cyberbullied . . .66

63. Send Like A Friend: Text Responsibly . . . . . . . . . . . .67

64. Facebook Or Face To Face . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .68

65. Parents Can Be Bullies Too . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .69

66. Some Reasons Why? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .70

67. Be A Detective, Be Discrete, Always
Question Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .71

68. Kids Can Intimidate Their Parents . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .72

69. Realize That Parents Need Parenting . . . . . . . . . . . . .73

70. Meet Parents at Their Intensity Level . . . . . . . . . . . . .74

71. There Are Circumstances but Not Excuses . . . . . . .75

72. Conduct or Clinical . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .76

73. Clinical Issues and Responsibility . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .77

74. Conduct Issues and Respect . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78

75. Documentation . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .79

76. Teach Students to Document as Well . . . . . . . . . . . . .80

77. Be Specific and Conservative with Praise . . . . . . . . . .81

78. Call Students by Their Actual Names . . . . . . . . . . . .82

79. Learn the Difference between Being
Effective and Efficient . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .83

80. Develop a Sense of Humor . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .84

81. Always Be on Time for Class or Duty Assignments .85

82. Be Honest and Realistic about
Your Student's Academic Achievement . . . . . . . . . . .86

83. Keep Your Objectivity When Grading
Students' Work . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .87

84. Keep Every Minute Planned . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .88

85. Be Out and About in Your Classroom . . . . . . . . . . . .89

86. The Classroom Is Not The Place To Become Angry 90

87. Take Initiative . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .91

88. Profanity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .92

89. Confidence, Cockiness, And The Victim . . . . . . . . . .94

90. Confrontations . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .95

91. What Are You Paying Attention To?. . . . . . . . . . . . . .96

92. Stay Away From Gossiping and Complaining . . . . . .98

93. Be Complimentary to Your Fellow Teachers . . . . . .99

94. A Bad Day Doesn't Make You a Bad Person
or a Bad Teacher . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .100

95. Don't Let The Past Remind Us . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .101

96. Significant Others . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .102

97. What Do People Fear the Most? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .104

98. Encroachment in a Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .106

99. Muzzled . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .107
100. The Root Problem . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .108
101. Be Well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .109
Contents
viii
James Burns
1
I guess everyone has reasons for doing or saying certain
things and behaving in ways that are hurtful, disrespectful,
irresponsible, and just downright inappropriate. Understanding
these reasons helps us as teachers to set reasonable expectations
for our students. The problems begin when these reasons
become excuses. When student behaviors such as disrespect
and emotional cruelty are attributed to poor genetics, or when
environmental shortcomings are left uncorrected, by default we
communicate to the student that we agree with the behavior.
Disrespect is not a condition; it is a learned behavior, and
students must be held accountable for their actions. Bullying
should never be justified or excused because of poor genetics
or negative environmental influences. Respect can always be
taught with the imposition of the right consequences. Always
let your students know that BULLYING IS WRONG, AND IT
WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!
Some Things Are Right or Wrong,
Black or White. No Gray Area.
Bullying Is One of Them.
01
Anti-Bullying 101
2
I had to change my vocabulary. I used to say that kids needed to
comply; now I use the word "obey." Teachers didn't like it and
thought it was too much like dog training. I mean we expect dogs
to obey, right? Well, mine doesn't, but that's another story. So I
watered it down. "Comply" sounds better than "obey." I myself
compromised. I know they mean the same thing right? Wrong.
What is the definition of obedienceanybody? Let me help you
out. Obedience is doing what you are told, when you are told
to do it, with a good attitude. Our students can comply in
many ways but still lack the correct attitude and timing. Ask one
of your students to sit down and determine if he sat down on
his terms or yours. How long did it take him/her to get into his
seat? Oh, he complied, but when and how is still the question.
Compliance can also be very temporary. Obedience is very
permanent. I don't have to keep asking. Wouldn't it be nice to
ask a kid to do something and have him/her just do it? Bullies
comply all the time but in a very temporary way. Permanence
comes when our demands are immediately met and when the
student has the right attitude. I left the NJ Turnpike one day and
saw a sign that said, "You Have Left the NJ Turnpike. Obey
Local Speed Laws." I guess obedience is not such a dirty word
after all.
Is Obedience a Dirty Word?
02
James Burns
3
Asking a student questions is a good thing. It gives you, the
teacher, an idea of the student's knowledge base and, at the high
school level, what his or her views might be on different topics.
So questions are good unless you are asking for something that
has an obvious answer. Then you are not asking questions, but
you are telling the student to do something and giving him-her
a command. Often we can fall into the trap of asking some
"where," "when," and "why" questions to students. Things
like, "Why are you late?" "Where is your pencil?" or, "When
are you going to sit down?" either don't matter or require a
consequence for being tardy, unprepared, or non compliant. It
can be as innocent as stating, "We are going to do math now,
okay?" When we should be saying, "Take out your math book
and turn to page seven." Bullies love to do what they want
when they want to. So, stop asking and start telling.
Stop Asking, Start Telling
03
Anti-Bullying 101
4
Trying to explain to a child, or even at times an adult, the
reason "whys" or "why nots" related to certain behaviors can
at times can be frustrating (and with our own children can be
frightening.). "Don't drink and drive," "don't smoke," "watch
who you pick as a friend," or "who you date" are all things that
teachers and parents communicate to their students and their
children. In school kids are always asking "Why do we have
to do" something, or learn certain academic skills. Bullying
behavior can have a lasting effect on those who experience
social, emotional, or physical abuse at the hands of a bully. Why
don't kids and bullies in particular heed the warning of adults
and just listen and stop saying and doing things that are just
downright cruel? The reason: many of our children today were
never taught to obey, so they don't have a vision in terms of
the long-range consequences for what they do and often what
they say, and many times, they just don't care. Consequences,
I might add, that could affect them as an adult. Remember all
we are looking for is a kid to do what he/she is told, when he/
she is told to do it. Three military men were walking across the
huge flight deck of an aircraft carrier. Suddenly, a commanding
They Just Don't Know
04
5
James Burns
officer yelled out to them, "drop!" Two of the men immediately
fell on the deck. The third man turned around to see what was
happening and was instantly killed by an incoming airplane.
All three men heard the same word; however, only two of
them understood what they heard and obeyed the command.
Recognizing and immediately obeying the voice of the
commanding officer proved to be a matter of life and death for
these men. Help your students understand that there does not
have to be a reason right now why they have to do what they are
told. Hopefully the bully will change before his life is affected,
or worse yet, the life of someone else.
Anti-Bullying 101
6
My youngest daughter was leaving a friend's house one day and I
heard her say "Bye Barbara, bye Lenny." When she got in the car
I asked her "Who are Barbara and Lenny?" She replied "That's
Kelly's parents." My response was "so, why don't you call them
Mr. and Mrs. Jones?" (Name Change.) She replied, "Oh Dad,
they don't care." Well I did, and so I went into the house and
asked the dad to please be sure that my daughter addresses him
and his wife as "Mr." and "Mrs." The response from the dad
was "Oh, it's no big deal. She can call us by our first names."
My answer "Okay, how about Mr. Lenny." He agreed. Why
was I even having this conversation? Because everyone believes
that the ground is level. I hear teachers all the time when they
speak with parents referring to themselves by their first name.
"Hi, Mrs. Brown, this is Jim Burns, Johnny's teacher." Forget
it. You are "Mr.," "Mrs.," or "Ms." Refer to yourself that way
when speaking to parents, students, and even, yes, your fellow
teachers when in earshot of your students. Our students need to
know that we are in charge and will be addressed with respect;
so do the parents. Teaching is a noble profession. Don't diminish
your position by being addressed by a name other than "Mr.,"
"Mrs.," or "Ms."
Whatever Happened To
"Mr.," "Mrs.," And "Ms."?
05
James Burns
7
Does this tip have anything to do with bullying? The answer
might surprise you. Kids who have not been taught that they
have a responsibility to comply with the rules of a family, a
school, or society believe that they can say and do what they
want. One of the highest forms of maturity is the ability
to cooperate even though you might disagree. Bullies lack
empathy and are never in tune with the expectations of others.
Begin to hold kids accountable for non-compliance, and start
to discipline for a poor attitudes and insist on cooperation.
Remember, kids don't always have to agree, just cooperate.
Kids Need to Learn How
to Cooperate Even Though
They Might Disagree
06
Anti-Bullying 101
8
Hmm. Now it's OK to disagree. Well kids are going to whether
we like it or not. Giving your students a voice helps to reduce
anger. The idea here is that "attitude is everything." Too often
kids, when they disagree, will personalize the disagreement,
resulting in name-calling or the berating of others. Often bullies
will use their power to force their victim into submission.
Teaching students the right way to disagree with each other
builds confidence, boundaries, and maturity. It helps both the
bully and the victim.
Teach Your Students That It Is
OK to Disagree, but with the
Right Attitude
07
James Burns
9
Have you ever forced two students to shake hands after a
disagreement? You know that their heart just wasn't in it. Don't
stop asking for that hand shake. It is symbolic of the attitude
you as the teacher are trying to develop in those two students.
It is very difficult for victims to forgive, but an angry victim
may only seek revenge at a later time on his own. Bullies need
to learn how to ask for forgiveness, victims need to accept it.
We can be an example by asking for and receiving forgiveness
ourselves.
The Art of Forgiveness
08
Anti-Bullying 101
10
Character is truly far more important than achievement.
Theodore Roosevelt once said, "To educate a person in the
mind but not in morals is to educate a menace to society."
Teaching character is something that we all attempt to do, but
because of lock-step lesson planning and curriculum time lines,
we never seem to have the freedom to correctly work on this
important topic in our classrooms. Sometimes there is more
caught then taught. So, make the time to discuss situations that
involve lying, stealing, cheating, bullying, bad mouthing, etc.
Search for character education programs and lesson plans, and
make the time so you can force it into your day or your week.
Do your best, and remember, your main focus is respect and
responsibility.
Teach Character
09
James Burns
11
We have all heard of the acronym KISS keep it simple stupid.
Sometimes we as educators can be bombarded by so many new
programs and philosophies that we feel as if we are lost in the
sauce and don't know what to do. If you are taking classes at
a college, you know what I mean. Every semester is another
class with another approach to improving student performance
or managing behavior. The classes are all great I am sure, but
finding what works best can be a challenge. When Character
Education programs became mandated about ten years ago
teachers found themselves trying to teach a new character
quality every week, which certainly was a great idea. One
quality a week can be a bit much, and I question whether or
not the students really learned the quality in this short period of
time. In dealing with bullying, let's keep it simple, and focus on
two qualities. Stick with it day to day and week to week. Teach
respect, and encourage responsibility. Every student will benefit
,and you will begin to take the necessary steps toward stopping
the bullying problem in your school.
Keep It Simple
10
Anti-Bullying 101
12
"I'll give respect when I get respect." How about if we all
displayed the quality of respect regardless of if we were getting
it or not? We would all receive respect. What is the definition of
this important quality? "Having a high regard for the rights and
privileges of another person." It needs to be taught by example
and through your curriculum everyday. Start by just asking kids
to say "please" and "thank you." We all need to work on this,
not just the bullies. Let's work to create a culture of respect in
our schools.
The Character Quality of Respect
11
James Burns
13
If that's the attitude that everyone has, suppose no one is giving
it. How about if everyone was giving it? I like the latter much
better. Everyone has a choice, but the decision to display the
quality of respect can't be predicated on whether or not we are
receiving it. This is not easy; it's hard. I know. I would highly
recommend that everyone pick up a copy of "The 7 Habits of
Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey. The first habit is to
"Be Proactive." A decision to be respectful to everyone should
be made well before we are confronted with disrespect. Those
decisions are made way down deep in the chambers of our own
soul. Help your students make the decision now to be respectful
all the time to everyone. If we all give it, we all get it.
Respect: I'll Give It When I Get It
12
Anti-Bullying 101
14
The manifestation of disrespect in a child is laziness. That's
right, laziness. It's not that the child won't do things; he just
won't do them for you. This is why two teachers can have
very different opinions of the same child. The child respects
one teacher and not the other. Disrespect has to be corrected,
but how we correct it can determine if the child is going to
learn the quality of respect or not. When you ask a child to
do something use the instruction, warning, and correction
process. If the child does not comply with your instructions,
offer one, and only one, warning. The warning is not a prelude
to punishment, but rather an opportunity to determine if the
child heard and understood you. With the warning make sure
the child understands what the consequences will be if he/she
does not comply the next time, and plan to follow through with
the consequence, if applicable. Too many warnings can send the
wrong message, but more importantly, can frustrate you as the
teacher. That frustration can cause you to react in anger. Always
be sure to be strong, firm, and direct when teaching respect. At
the same time, be sure you yourself are being respectful while
correcting the behavior. Even bullies should be treated with
respect.
Teaching Respect: Correct It
13
James Burns
15
Think back to one of the best teachers you've ever had. What
was it about this person that made you feel so special as a
student? Any thoughts? It's not what they taught you. It's how
you felt when you were in their presence. It's no big secret that
learning is emotional, as well as mental. I have diagrammed the
brain for many of my students, and if you would like a copy of
the diagram please email me at proactive7@verizon.net. This
diagram explains the emotional processes that are involved
in learning. But, for now what you need to know is that all
incoming information has to pass through the emotions before
it can be processed for higher order thinking by the neo-cortex.
Any time the brain is placed under stress it will downshift and
go into the brain stem for survival. There are only two ways to
survive, and we all know them: fight or flight. Kids who operate
in the fight mode need to develop respect, and those in the
flight mode, responsibility. How much stress do we cause our
students by our attitudes, or maybe our inability to discipline in
a manner that balances rules and regulations with compassion
and understanding? Realize that if you are causing stress, the
relationship between you and your students will be the first
thing to go, and disrespect will become imminent. The bully/
Teaching Respect: It's Emotional
14
Anti-Bullying 101
16
victim dynamic is impacted greatly by stress. What a bully may
never think of doing to you as the teacher, he/she will take out
on his/her classmates. Do an immediate assessment of your
classroom climate and determine what can be done to create a
more relaxed and friendly learning environment. Do it NOW.
James Burns
17
What is the definition of the word "worry"? Any thoughts? Worry
occurs when we assume a responsibility that we were never meant
to have. How often do we worry about things that are just out of
our control? I do it all the time. But, what responsibilities are ours
and ours alone? We are all responsible for out thoughts, words,
actions, attitudes, and motives. As teachers, we need to teach our
kids about these areas. For the next five sections I will be sharing tips
on how to teach these responsibilities to our students. We teach in
two ways: through direct instruction and by example. How can I be
an example for my students to help them to always evaluate their
thoughts? Instead of asking them "What were you thinking?"
after a bullying event, ask them daily "What do you have on
your mind today?" Begin an open dialogue with your students. A
technique I really like that I learned from Dr. Allen Mendler, author
of Discipline with Dignity is called the 2X10 exercise. Take a student
that is a known bully and have a 2minute conversation with him as
you would with a friend. Ask a question or two about other classes
that the student is in, or maybe discuss a sports team you know
that he/she is interested in. Do this for 10 days straight. What will
happen around the eighth day is that the student will come to you
for the conversation. You can then begin to peek into the thought
life of this student. You may make a new friend.
What Are We Responsible For?
15
Anti-Bullying 101
18
What Are We Responsible For?
Our Words
16
I can say what I want to when I want to. I guess that's freedom
of speech. I guess we can post or text anything we want to as
well. Kids have been sold this. What kids need to understand
is that they can say, post, and text whatever they want, WITH
CONSEQUENCES. Just because we are thinking something
doesn't mean we have to say it. Our students need to evaluate
their words and what damage those words can do to others.
The tongue weighs about 2 ounces; yet, it can control the events
of our life. Healthy confrontations, debates, and constructive
suggestion are good qualities of communication that we all
should develop. Spewing, spreading rumors, gossip, and hurtful
statements will only create a school environment that is void
of morals, trust, and integrity. Teach your students that if they
are going to say something that could prove hurtful, to just wait
30 minutes. This wait-time will allow them to evaluate the cost
of their words and avoid the guilt that they will experience for
hurting another person. We are all just a compilation of what
others have said and done to us. Remember, victims suffer
because of verbal abuse. Words truly can cut deep into the heart
of person.
James Burns
19
Actions do speak louder than words, for sure, if you follow the
pattern, thoughts lead to words and words translate into action.
That is unless, of course, you are a bag of wind and never follow
through on anything you say. Kids, though, get placed on the
battlefield of the bully/victim dynamic through their words, and
get pressured into taking action. Of course, this all starts in their
thoughts. The more that gets said, the more action has to be
taken. Most of the time, these actions are taken out of impulse,
leading to serious problems among bullies, victims, and other
students who they are friends with, creating discipline problems
for teachers, administration, and the school's bullying specialist.
Always keep your hand on the pulse of your classroom, and
your school, and listen for threatening words that you know
could lead to a bullying event. At this point, the child's or teen's
thoughts have escaped the confines of his secret life and have
now become public. STOP HIM NOW, before you have a bigger
problem to deal with.
What Are We Responsible For?
Our Actions
17
Anti-Bullying 101
20
The sources of the most painful offenses are not usually actions,
but attitudes. People who offend others unintentionally are
judged with less severity than those who intend to hurt. Even
in law, the intent behind a crime is a factor in assessing the guilt
of the one who stands before the judge. This is one area that
is the most difficult to change in ourselves and in our students.
We ask our students to do things all the time, and they should
comply with our request. But really, it's not as much about the
compliance, but more about their attitude when they comply.
Are they resentful and angry, and is it like pulling teeth to get
them to cooperate with even the smallest task? Character is
truly what a person does when no one is looking. A bully will
always act when no one is looking. They will deny their hurtful
actions and blame others for their behavior. Begin correcting
the attitudes of your students; by doing so, you will prepare
them for a better future. But, more importantly, you will help
them to evaluate the intent of their actions.
What Are We Responsible For?
Our Attitudes
18
James Burns
21
Do you ever watch CSI (Crime Seen Investigation)? I do,
occasionally. I am at amazed how all of the evidence that is
collected can point directly at the suspect in question, but they
just can't seem to figure out a motive. They need the motive to
convict the person of the crime. We all know what the motive
of a bully is, right? Power. They want to have power and control
over a smaller or weaker person. How do you change the motive
of a bully? By being the strongest and most influential person
in the classroom. That's right, you, the teacher have this ability.
You don't need to use power; you need to use your influence.
When your students realize that you are in charge their motives
change from wanting to hurt others, to wanting to help. They
have met their match. Remember, it is not about the influence
of your power, but rather the power of your influence.
What Are We Responsible For?
Our Motives
19
Anti-Bullying 101
22
When we give instructions to a student, we make two very
important assumptions that may or may not be true. We assume
that (1) they heard us, and (2) they understood us. Dealing
with student behavior requires as much instruction as does the
academic curriculum. What do you do if you ask a student to
do something and they don't do it? The assumption is that they
were being uncooperative or maybe even willfully disobedient.
That may not be the case at all. Before imposing a consequence
question the student to determine if they did, in fact, hear and
understand; leave the child with a warning. The warning is not
a prelude to correction, but rather an opportunity to determine
if your instructions were clear. If the behavior continues even
after the warning, then you can be sure the student is being
uncooperative. The trick though is to only give the student
one warning. Too many warnings will only frustrate you as
the teacher and send an inconsistent message to the student.
A student who is a bully may need continued instruction about
his behavior. Don't let his/her behavior stop the process. Lastly,
always be sure to impose the consequence after the warning.
Never give up, and always be consistent.
Instruction, Warning, Correction
20
James Burns
23
They interviewed a group of muggers in NY a few years back
and asked them what they looked for when they were zeroing
in on a victim. The one quality that all victims had was that they
walked around looking down at the ground and were not really
aware of their surroundings. The muggers could sense the
victims' fear and inability to detect trouble. The victims were
not alert to pending problems. What is alertness? Alertness is
the ability to be aware of that which is going on around you
and correctly respond. At times, victims are not even aware
that they are being bullied, laughed at, or ridiculed. They believe
that the bully is just fooling around and is their friend. Teach
your students to always be alert to what is being said and done
to them, and create healthy boundaries.
The Character Quality of Alertness
21
Anti-Bullying 101
24
Be a good listener; this is easier said than done, because most
people listen to respond, not to understand. There are 5 different
types of listening. The first is Ignoring. We don't mean to do this;
it is really done mentally. Our minds are in another world when
someone is speaking to us. The second is Pretend Listening.
This, we do when we want to get off the phone with someone
and they don't. You know the drill "yeah right, right, sure," and
on and on. The third is Selective Listening. This, we do with a
three year old. I mean if we listened to everything a three year
old said, we would go out of our mind. The fourth is Attentive
Listening; this is when we listen with our ears, our eyes, and
sometimes our mind. The fifth type of listening, and the most
important, is Empathic Listening. This is when we listen with
our ears, our eyes, our body, our soul, and our spirit. We listen so
well that we can mentally place ourselves in the conversation with
the person we are speaking with. Victims of bullying need us not
only to hear and listen to them, but also to understand them and
feel their pain. Victims can, at times, believe that they are not taken
seriously and then refuse to report to adults when they are bullied.
They then start taking matters into their own hands, which can
have devastating results. We all make time to listen to students
when they want to speak with us. The question remains though,
what type of listeners are we? Begin to practice empathic listening
today. Do it with your own kids, your spouse, and of course, your
students. It's a habit we all need to get into.
Practice Empathic Listening
22
James Burns
25
How many times have we walked away from a confrontation,
only to think of something that we wish we would have said?
Don't feel bad; this is common. The question is, why does it
happen? I don't think any of us were ever taught how to respond
to disrespectful comments and rude behavior. When someone
intimidates us, we are at a loss for words and don't know what
to say. Our students are at an even greater loss when they are
confronted with bullying behavior. Take time out from time to
time and start role playing with your students, teaching them
the correct language to use when confronted by a potential
bully. Scenarios can be found online that can be used. Make it a
class project and video tape the students. This activity will not
only build confidence, but it will also prepare your students to
be respectful adults. Remember, this skill may not be taught in
the home. At times parents may be at a loss when it comes down
to dealing with bullying behavior. Teaching involves more than
just academics.
Role Play with Your Students. Give
Them the Language They Need to
Respond to a Bully Correctly
23
Anti-Bullying 101
26
Violence is everywhere. Just watch television or go on the
internet and you will find it. Often, action movies will have
a hero and a villain, with the hero winning out at the end by
having a violent physical or gun fight with the villain. When
we watch these movies and see the villain get his or her butt
kicked at the end, we get an emotional rush and feel relieved
that the villain finally got what was coming to him or her. Kids
who are the victims of bullying watch these movies as well
and begin to believe that the way to solve a problem is to have
a physical fight with the bully. Our students must know that
fighting is not an option when dealing with those who bully
or intimidate them. Always speak with you students about
alternative ways of dealing with bullying behavior. Teach them
the process of responsible reporting. If they or someone else is
being threatened physically or emotionally, tell them to seek out
the help of an adult. Fighting is not an option.
Fighting Is Not an Option When
Dealing with a Bully
24
James Burns
27
As an administrator years ago, I would deal with all manner of
behavior problems. Sometimes a physical fight would occur
between two students. I mean, kids fight all the time, but when
it happens in school, that's when everything grinds to a halt
and a whole morning or afternoon would be occupied with
the process of suspension, possible police involvement, and of
course phone calls to parents informing them of their child's
behavior. I was often amazed when I spoke to the parents about
the fight. A question that was often asked was, "Who my son
(or daughter) was fighting with?" When I disclosed the name
of the other participant, the parent would say, "who?" and then
go on to explain that he/she was just at their house for dinner
the night before. The participants were friends. Close friendships
have a way of bringing out the best or the worst in us. The
closer we get, the greater the chance that our weaknesses will
be revealed. A person who has the propensity to bully is waiting
to discover those weaknesses. And then, friends or not, will
exploit them, causing a rift that produces a tremendous amount
of emotional pain. Help your students understand the qualities
of a good friendship, and encourage them to bring out the best
in each other. Broken friendships can produce grudges and even
enemies. The scars that remain can last a lifetime.
Friendship, Fighting,
and Bullying
25
Anti-Bullying 101
28
When is a joke a joke? When both parties are laughing. Sometimes
kids don't know the difference between being laughed at and
laughing with someone. Confront a bully about using a victim
as the brunt of his jokes, and his response might be "I was just
joking." Everyone likes to feel like they are part of a group by
being able to accept good-natured needling from time-to-time.
Sometimes it's even a right of passage when participating in a
sport or an activity. Frank Howard played baseball for the old
Washington Senators years ago. He was 6 feet 10 inches tall
and weighed 290 pounds. He was a kind, soft- spoken gentle
giant. His teammates affectionately called him Hondo. They
loved to kid around with him all the time, using his height and
weight as the material for their comedy. He laughed with them
until he felt he was being laughed at. Frank would then say, "I
have heard enough." The ribbing would then stop. Help your
students understand when jokes are jokes. Anyone can say "I
have heard enough."
I Was Just Joking Around
26
James Burns
29
To a young child, an adolescent, or maybe even to some adults,
2 minutes can seem like eternity. I remember the first time I
brought my oldest daughter to a movie when she was about 4
years old, alone. I thought that she would be able to sit for 90
minutes or so; I don't think I was in the theater for more than
10 minutes at a time. She wasn't ready to sit for 90 minutes. But,
in a few more years, she was able to sit for extended periods of
time building up to those 90 minutes. It's the same thing with
courage. We don't have to be brave all the time, but maybe just
for 2 minutes at a time, and slowly extending the time. Kids
who are bullied can be so filled with fear that they avoid school,
social events, and ultimately life. Tell your students that courage
is like a muscle, and it has to be developed over time. No one is
brave all the time, just work on being brave for 2 minutes at a
time. Let your students know when they display the quality of
courage, and praise them for their efforts. Any effort, no matter
how big or how small, will always be rewarded.
Sometimes We Only Have to Be
Brave for Two Minutes at a Time
27
Anti-Bullying 101
30
Learning is as much emotional as it is mental. Our emotions sit
right in the middle of our brain, and all incoming information
has to be filtered by our emotions before it can reach the neo-
cortex for processing. When fear hits our emotions, we become
overwhelmed and stressed out, causing us to go into survival
mode with the fight or flight mechanism taking over. In
classrooms where bullies have control and power struggles are
common, the students in the room are always under stress and
learning becomes more and more difficult. Often, the teacher
can be as stressed as the students, causing continuous negative
interaction. Always be aware that when bullies and power
struggles are handled correctly, and fair, firm, and consistent
consequences are imposed, the classroom remains a place of
learning and not a battlefield where everyone has to fight for
emotional survival. Remember, as teachers we have to assure
our students that they will not only be physically safe in our
care, but also emotionally safe.
Provide a Safe Learning
Environment
28
James Burns
31
Often times when we hear things or see things that require us to
take action, we become fearful and can often rationalize it away.
This can be done by convincing ourselves that it is not as serious
as we thought, the kids were only kidding, or worse yet, act like
we never saw it or heard it. Years ago, teachers used to quake
in fear at the thought of reporting a case of child abuse to the
authorities. As an administrator, I was often asked to make the
phone call by a teacher. I did on one occasion and was told that
the person who observed the abuse or heard about it needed to
make the report. With the emphasis placed so heavily right now
on anti-bullying, it is critical for teachers to understand their
resources when dealing with an incident of bullying. Teachers
are the first responders and are in the trench observing students
on a daily basis. If you hear or see what you believe is a bullying
incident, know who to go to for help. An administrator or
guidance counselor is a good place to start. In doing this, you
will never be alone in the ownership process. You will always
have full ownership if you don't report it at all.
If You Hear It or
See It, You Own It
29
Anti-Bullying 101
32
Can you? Or better yet, can our students? Kids today can feel
good about themselves for no apparent reason. No one is
allowed to fail, even if they do. Every one wins, even if they
lose. Often, the truth is bent a little too much giving kids a false
sense of security in their abilities and their behavior. How did I
do on that test, teacher? "Not bad," might be a response when,
if the truth were really known, the kid failed. We can't say that
though, without a barrage of criticism from parents and maybe
even administration. Behaviors like bullying are thrown into
the gray abyss, excusing it away as if it were someone else's
fault, with a due process hearing to discipline the victim more
sternly than the bully. It even transcends schools, and society
has allowed this twisted behavior into the court system. It's
wrong, and you failed are phrases that must be reintroduced
into our culture and our schools if we want bullying to become
a "no-no" in society. We are all taught to think "win-win." Well,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but IF EVERYBODY WINS,
NOBODY WINS.
Can You Handle the Truth?
30
James Burns
33
I like you, but I don't like your behavior. This little gem came
out of the self-esteem movement of the 60's and 70's. Certain
phrases or philosophies that may have worked 40 years ago may
suffer from an over-use injury or are just antiquated. Students
who are rude, discourteous, and disrespectful can be difficult
to like. Ask yourself this: if you were treated by an adult in
the same negative manner as a student treated you, how hard
would it be to stand by this statement? Pretty tough. Our
students do become adults, who may not be liked because of
their behavior. I am not saying that you should tell kids that
you don't like them. What I am saying is that they know all too
well that we don't. Our body language, attitudes, and words are
all indicators of how we feel about certain students. Bullies are
very tough to get close to, and in reality, to like. Don't let your
thoughts dictate your actions; fake it, bite the bullet, and keep
your friends close and your enemies closer. Do whatever it takes
to build a relationship with the student who is unlikeable and
a potential bully. Once we come clean with our real emotions,
our influence will be greater and we will then begin to facilitate
lasting change.
I Like You, but
31
Anti-Bullying 101
34
Change has a way of sneaking up on you. One morning you
wake up and wonder how you gained weight, lost your job, or
went broke. It didn't happen over night. It happened over an
extended period of time, incrementally. When we finally realize
what's happened to us, we are 50 pounds over weight, without
a job, and penniless. Tough stuff. We compromised our health
habits, work ethic, and spending for immediate gain or just
immediate pleasure. The same is true of our students and the
bullying epidemic. We made small compromises in the areas
of respect and responsibility, and in doing so, have created the
Frankenstein monster, who we now can't control. The panic has
set in, and we now need a law that says no more bullying.
Compromise
32
James Burns
35
No one likes to change. It's too tough to do. If you have any
bad habits (you know, smoking, or excessive drinking, eating,
or spending) then you know what I'm talking about. You wake
up in the morning realizing that you have sworn off cigarettes
and are on a diet and almost feel depressed knowing that you
can't have your coffee and a Marlboro this morning. Oh, we
will quit, but it may take lung cancer or an oxygen tank before
we do. Change, you see, is painful. Very painful. Sometimes it
requires a series of epiphanies before complete change takes
place. Change is very incremental and will sneak up on you. A
pound a month is a twelve-pound weight gain at the end of the
year. By the way, it was fun eating what you wanted, when you
wanted it. Now, to lose it, it's not quite as much fun. Change
takes a leap of faith, knowing that if you stay the course and
watch what you eat, you will slowly lose those few pounds that
you gained. It hurts. It requires patience and the knowledge that
you might revisit old behaviors from time to time.
My good friend Paul coined a term that I like: "Change a
Bully." How hard would this be? Kids don't have long range
vision. They really don't see how their behaviors now are going
to impact them and others down the road. They do some of
the things they do because of a series of behaviors that they
Change
33
Anti-Bullying 101
36
have learned over the years. If we are going to try and change
a bully, we have to have the same patience that we have with
ourselves when we are trying to make changes. We have to
realize the incremental process and accept small victories, with
the understanding that this kid who is a bully is going through
the process of a painful change. He will revisit old behaviors
and make a ton of mistakes. Changing a bully is a process
that requires consequences, combined with patience and
understanding. Don't give up. This kid's lifelong success is going
to be determined by his/her ability to recognize the changes
that he/she needs to make.
James Burns
37
Do kids fear anything today? I'm not talking about irrational
fears or phobias, or even the fear of being physically abused.
I do know that victims fear bullies, and that's something that
has to be dealt with going forward if our students are going to
grow into healthy adults. The fear I am talking about is a good
fear. Fear is a warning sign and, when we feel it, we know that
there is danger afoot, and we better rethink our actions or be
subject to the consequences that follow. Our actions need to
be evaluated based upon two questions: (1) "What will I gain
from my actions," and (2) "What will I lose?" If the loss isn't
great enough, my behavior just won't change. An example: say
what you want, when you want it, until you say it to the wrong
person and you lose your job. The loss? Your job. You now begin
to rethink your behavior. Our students today are somewhat
immune to the systemic consequences that schools offer.
Holding kids in from recess, or keeping them in detentions, or
school suspensions are ceremonious at best and don't create
enough discomfort for the student to rethink his/her behavior.
School bullies need to develop a healthy fear of authority and
consider what they are going to lose if they continue with the
behavior. Teach them now or they will lose later. This is an
important tip.
Fear: The Greatest Motivator
34
Anti-Bullying 101
38
Kids are always instructed to apologize when they say or do
unkind things to another child or an adult. And, the person
who they are apologizing to is supposed to gracefully accept
the apology. There might also be a handshake involved or
some other restitution based on what actually happened. Is
this enough? If instructed to do so, a bully will apologize, and
that's a good thing. The way the victim receives the apology is
more important. Usually the victim of bullying will accept the
apology and respond with, "That's okay." This can be done out
of fear or the desire for relief. Children need to learn at an early
age how to draw healthy emotional boundaries. A victim should
respond with, "I accept your apology, but don't let it happen
again." Taught at an early age, this will help your students to
learn what they will and will not tolerate and to have healthy
confrontations when they are treated in a disrespectful manner.
I'm Sorry
35
James Burns
39
All kids love to argue. The question is, do we argue with them?
Bullies will always seek ways to justify their behavior to get off
the hook and avoid a consequence in some way, shape, or form.
A bit of advice: don't argue with them. Bullies are thickheaded.
They believe that their way of thinking is always right. His/
her mouth will always get him/her into trouble. Arguing with
him is useless because he will learn only through consequence
and will ultimately be punished by life. It is extremely important
that everyone be aware of his/her activities and behavior.
Arguing with a bully only makes him/her believe that he/she is
wiser than he/she really is. More importantly though, it vexes
our emotions and spirit, and believe it or not, it can create such
negativity that will impact how we deal with other students and
our personal life. Don't let this kid ruin your day. You know
who is right and who is wrong. Don't rise the bait. Rise to the
occasion and take the high road.
Don't Argue
36
Anti-Bullying 101
40
A victim is a victim for many reasons. A bully has an internal
radar and can pick out the target by his/her antics rather
quickly. Emotional and/or physical weakness is only one of the
reasons bullies harass and intimidate others. According to the
NY Times, "A jury convicted Dharun Ravi, a former Rutgers
University student, of hate crimes, witness tampering, and
other charges. Mr. Ravi used a webcam to spy on his roommate
kissing another man in their dorm room. Tyler Clementi, the
roommate, jumped to his death from the George Washington
Bridge three days after Mr. Ravi viewed him on the webcam."
In today's world where our schools are truly a melting pot of
many races, creeds, colors, gender preferences, and religions, it
is truly our job as teachers to help our students to not only accept
the differences in others but also to value those differences.
Dharum Ravi was not held responsible for the death of Tyler
Clementi but was convicted of a hate crime. Mr. Ravi didn't
have the capacity to value the differences; he hated them. Teach
tolerance and acceptance to your students daily, and help them
understand and value the differences in others.
Weakness or Difference?
37
James Burns
41
Yes, I know all cable outlets for the news. Is it news or is it the
networks' slant on the news? I think you know the answer. It
is no longer just reporting the News. It's reporting the new
based upon the political views of the network. In homes across
the country, opinions are being formed by adults who listen
to the thoughts of so-called reporters and experts who want
everyone to believe that their network is fair and balanced.
Thoughts about different countries, races, religions, ethnicities,
intertwined with current events can enter homes with the click
of a remote. Do families talk about the news? Of course they
do. The problem is, they are not forming an opinion based upon
their own values, but rather the values of others. How does this
relate to bullying? The bias that may result in homes regarding
the differences of others impacts our students. This negative
communication filters down by osmosis, and our students form
negative attitudes and can become prejudicial in their thinking.
What parents fail to recognize is that their children attend
school everyday with other students of different backgrounds.
Adults need to understand how their thoughts, words, actions,
attitudes, and motives affect their children. It is far easier to
build a boy than to mend a man. Know who is in front of you.
Prejudice is learned. It's not genetic.
FOX, CNN, & MSNBC
38
Anti-Bullying 101
42
Kids who are bullied need an outlet for tension, anxieties, and
fears. Writing about events that impact them is a way to get rid
of some of the negative emotions associated with a bullying
event. I don't mean typing on a computer; I mean writing with
pen in hand on a piece of paper. Writing by hand involves the
sympathetic nervous system and negative feelings are released
on paper through this physical act. Doing it with the use of
a computer bypasses the emotions and is not as useful of an
outlet for this exercise. Technology is great, but sometimes we
have to revert to some old school methods. Writing by hand is
a dying art, and penmanship well, is it even taught anymore?
Writing and journaling help cleanse the soul. Victims may not
always be able to tell you, but they can always write to you.
Write about It
39
James Burns
43
How often do teachers discuss current events? Better yet, for
our purposes, how often do teachers discuss events that are in
the news related to bullying and cyber bullying? The internet
is filled with articles that have been written right about the
Tyler Clemente case that that should not only be read, but also
discussed. Our students need to be made aware of the long-
term effects of bullying and the ultimate penalties that could be
imposed. This is a difficult topic, but many things are left unsaid
in the guise of protecting our kids. Rest assured, our students
have opinions, and they would like to be heard. Just because
our students are not saying things about this topic doesn't mean
they aren't thinking about it.
Read about It
40
Anti-Bullying 101
44
I can say what I want to say, when I want to say it. I guess that
is true. I will add one additional line: "with a consequence."
Let's face it you can't scream "fire" in Macy's unless there is
a fire. Otherwise, you will probably get arrested. Freedom of
speech is not the freedom to say what you want, but the
freedom to say what you ought. Chasten a student about his
language or negative attitude when he talks to someone, and
his/her response will probably be "I don't care." Rest assured
he will. Get him/her to break this bad habit now, or one day
it will cost him his job or maybe his marriage. Words need to
be fitly spoken; even the truth needs to be delivered in a kind,
caring way with the desire to help, not to hurt. Only a fool will
utter his whole mind, burning bridges and leaving once positive
relationships in a wake of turmoil and pain. Teach your students
to say what is on their mind with the right attitude and the right
motive. You will be improving the school climate and gearing
them for lifelong success as adults.
Freedom of Speech?
41
James Burns
45
Do anti-bullying programs work? The answer? They do about
50 percent of the time when they are data driven. They also
work when they are taken seriously, and when they are enforced
consistently. My observation is that they really work when the
kids take ownership of the school climate. I came across this
blog post that you can find at http://www.ihatebullies.net/are-
attitudes-on-bullying-are-changing.html#more-291. It speaks
in part about the "Day of Pink." I am going to give you a few
paragraphs from it here, but please read the whole post. It is a
great website.
Day of Pink was started by students. It began informally in
2007 when two 12th-grade boys at a Nova Scotia High School
heard that a ninth-grader had been harassed on his first day of
school for wearing a pink polo shirt. CBC News reported that
according to students, "bullies harassed the boy, called him a
homosexual for wearing pink, and threatened to beat him up.''
The two older boys went to a discount store, bought 50 pink
shirts, and spread the word by e-mail. Hundreds of teens showed
up in pink the next day in a show of support, according to CBC.
Today, Day of Pink's organizational materials are distributed
by Jer's Vision, a Canadian organization that works to prevent
bullying, homophobia, and all types of discrimination.
Anti-Bullying Programs
42
Anti-Bullying 101
46
I conclude that it's not so much the program, but the
attitude about the program that's important. These kids started
a movement that worked. Our students can make tremendous
impact when they champion a cause that they truly believe
in. Take the time and ask your students, if they were going to
start their own anti bullying program, what would it look like?
Ownership can really make the difference.
James Burns
47
If I were to ask if your school had an anti-bullying program,
you would probably answer "yes of course.". Programs are
successful as long as they are implemented consistently and are
data-driven. If your school has a program, know it inside-and-
out. Know the law, and study it as well. Too often, teachers are
not given enough information about the school's programs,
policies, and procedures, and when a crisis hits, they are left
digging for information in order to solve a problem. So, where
is your anti-bullying policy, and what are the bear bones of your
anti-bullying program? Don't wait. Copy them now and stick
them in your plan book as reference for when you need it.
Anti-Bullying Programs:
Where are They?
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Anti-Bullying 101
48
Our kids have a way of being kept in the dark on some things.
Sure, they get their student handbook, but truly, how many of
them actually read it? When they are caught violating school
policy, their response is usually "I didn't know." By the way,
parents often plead ignorance as well, which just compounds
the problem. Teachers often make the mistake of believing that
if they tell their students something once, they have heard it
and understand it Research has proven that kids need to hear
something at least six or seven times before it sinks in. I am sure
that this could be true for adults as well. Teach your students
about their schools' anti bullying policies and procedures, and
question them for understanding. Take an hour or so at least
twice a month to review it. By doing so, there will be no room
for excuse, and your students won't have room to say "I didn't
know."
Anti-Bullying Programs:
Teach It
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In order to really deal with the bullying epidemic, we must have
an effective behavior management in place in our classrooms.
Principles, rules, and procedures must be taught and enforced.
Often it is the intangibles in a classroom that make a difference.
Our relationship with our students is the key. You might be
surprised to learn that a positive relationship is developed
when teachers exhibit a healthy dominance over their students.
Things like telling instead of asking and using choice as reward
for respect and compliance are all real intangibles that truly
do make a difference. I have written about these relationship
builders in my book The New 3Rs in Education: Respect,
Responsibility, and Relationships, and have preached them for
years. Teachers usually like the approach but have difficulty
shifting their own paradigm about behavior management in
their classrooms.
Behavior Management
and Bullying
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Anti-Bullying 101
50
Every school has some of these students. They stick up for the
weaker kids, and that's a good thing. Problems arise when they
step in to help the victim and end up in a confrontation or a
fight themselves. The rescuer needs to be taught the difference
between a good rescue and a bad rescue. A good rescue involves
befriending the victim, and leading him or her away from
a bullying event. His or her focus needs to be on the victim,
not on the bully. A bad rescue involves confronting the bully
during a bullying event and engaging in a screaming match or
a fight in front of a group of students. Teach your students to
be proactive. If they want to help the victim, tell them to eat
lunch with them, talk with them, and lead them away from
students who harass, intimidate, and bully them. Rescuers have
tremendous potential in schools and in society. But, they need
to know the difference between a good and a bad rescue.
The Rescuer
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A bully may appear to travel alone but in reality he/she has
many people who help him do his dirty work. He seeks other
students who he can befriend who will unwittingly become
his accomplice in a bullying event. The collaborator becomes
the eyes and ears of the bully, identifies the weaknesses and
differences in others, and calls it all to the bully's attention. You
will notice in schools that these kids will travel in a pack and
will feed off of each other, seeking to find a victim that they can
feed on. I liken these kids to a pack of wolves. One wolf can be
dangerous, but a pack of wolves is tenacious and treacherous.
They take turns biting the legs of a fleeing elk or larger animal
until finally, due to weakness and loss of blood; it collapses to
become their next victim. The collaborator may never be a bully,
but he will always be one of the pack. He does the scouting for
the bully, and once the bully starts to weaken the victim and
draws that emotional blood, he is there for the feeding frenzy.
They will also be the one who, at times, will take the fall for the
bully. These kids lack friends and will latch onto someone who
will help give him/her an identity. Beware of the collaborator,
he is a follower, is foolish, and needs to be taught how to be
more selective in choosing his friends.
Beware of the Collaborator
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Anti-Bullying 101
52
The victims of bullying are always at a loss in determining what
to do when they are attacked physically or emotionally by a
bully. "Do I fight or walk away?" "What do I say?" "How can I
be sure that what I say doesn't make matters worse and incite
an even more aggressive attack?" Victims lack the interpersonal
confidence to stand up to a bully. They feel downright incapable.
The problem is this feeling can transcend other areas of a
victim's life causing him/her to withdraw and become less
involved with school activities. Help the victim discover his/her
strengths, and encourage participation in areas where he/she
will feel capable and confident. This may require some effort on
your part. Pay attention, and be a talent scout.
I Am Capable
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53
The first place for a child to connect should be his/her family. In
this society that we live, where divorce is on the rise, families are
struggling to make ends meet, and parents may still be working
to find themselves, this connection short-circuits. Children are
almost parented by proxy by friends, other family members like
grandparents, or even babysitters. Too often, the connection
that a student chooses in school is with a student who has a
behavior problem and looks for the weaker students to follow
him/her. By the way, this is exactly the way gangs are formed,
and gangs are nothing more than groups that bully. The weak
can always be influenced. Take the time to help those students
who are disconnected, and encourage them to form friendships
with students that are of a positive influence. Believe me, you
will be helping a victim and thus potentially protecting a student
from becoming the next bully.
I Am Connected
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Anti-Bullying 101
54
Entitlement. We all know what that means. We can get shaken
if we begin to believe that our own children have an entitlement
mentality (i.e., always believing that the world owes them a
living and the riches of this earth belong to them without any
real work or effort). It takes a real savvy parent to balance the
art of giving to their children, while making sure they develop a
work ethic that prompts them to contribute to a family, a school,
and society. Bullies have the entitlement mentality; their greed,
though, is for power and control. They, in some strange way,
believe that they are entitled to harass and intimidate others. In
order to help a bully overcome this thought process, teachers
must do two things. One, they have to hold bullies accountable
for their behavior and demand that they deliver academically
without excuses. Second, bullies must understand the rules and
procedures of their classroom and comply with the teacher's
wishes. They must contribute to the class like anyone else.
Teachers should not accept bully's "I don't feel like it" mentality.
If everyone waited until they felt like doing something, they
would never do anything. Bullies must learn to work within a
system and be contributing members. Truly, that's life.
"Capable, Connected, and Contributing" used with
permission from Dr. Linda Albert, author of Cooperative
Discipline.
I Can Contribute
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A child's first experience with bullying may occur at a very
young age when he/she is pushed on the playground, or when
another child makes an unkind comment to him/her. His/
her experience with cyberbullying may come later around the
age of 10 or 11 when someone makes an unsavory post on his
Facebook page sends a rude text message. You can be sure that
children who do not know how to outwardly respond to acts of
bullying and cyberbullying are reacting inwardly. Those inward
emotions can only stay bottled up for so long before the child
begins to experience a situational reaction. Columbine High
School was a prime example of this as are the many tragedies
we are experiencing today, as violence or suicide seem to be
the only alternatives to the abuse. It's our responsibility to
document acts of bullying and to hold bullies accountable. We
also need to take steps to strengthen the victim and teach them
how to react when bullied. They are relying on us as adults for
answers.
Teach the Correct Response
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Anti-Bullying 101
56
The Definition of Cyberbullying
52
Like classic bullying, cyberbullying is repetitive harmful,
hostile behavior intended to deprecate and defame a targeted
child. Cyberbullying describes threatening or disparaging
information against a target child delivered through information
and communications technology (ICT). ICT is an umbrella
term that includes any communication device or application,
encompassing radio, television, cellular phones, computer and
network hardware and software, satellite systems, and so on.
It also includes the various services and applications associated
with them such as videoconferencing and distance learning. In
sum, classic bullying typically involves face-to-face interactions
and non-digital forms of communication, while cyberbullying
consists of information exchanged via ICT and may never
involve face to-face encounters.
James Burns
57
Flaming. Flaming is a term describing a passionate argument
online that frequently involves profane or vulgar language. It
typically occurs in public communication environments such
as discussion boards, chatrooms or newsgroups where peer
bystanders have visibility to the conversation. Flaming may
have features of a normal message, but its intent is to assert
power or establish a position of dominance.
Tactic 1: Flaming
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Anti-Bullying 101
58
E-mail threats and dissemination. This is when a cyberbully
send a threatening e-mail to the target and then forwards the
threatening message to others. This tactic is used to inspire fear
in the target and (need...)
Tactic 2: E-Mail Threats and
Dissemination
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Exclusion. This is a cyberbullying tactic that is highly effective and
sends an indirect, provocative message to the target that they are
not included in social activities. It is well-known that individuals
are developmentally fixated on being recognized by their peers.
The process of exclusion from the peer group can be devastating
to the target.
Tactic 3: Exclusion
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Harassment. Harassment is the sending of hurtful messages,
worded in a severe, persistent or pervasive manner, causing the
respondent undue concern. These threatening messages are
cruel, frequent, and very serious.
Tactic 4: Harassment
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Phishing. Phishing is a cyberbulling tactic that requires tricking,
persuading, or manipulating the target into revealing personal
and/or financial information about themselves and/or their
loved ones. Once the cyberbully acquires this information, they
begin to use the information to access other financial profiles if
it may be the target child's password, to purchase unauthorized
items. Once the cyberbully acquires this information, they
begin to use it to access others' financial profiles to purchase
unauthorized items.
Tactic 5: Phishing
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Impersonation. Impersonation or "imping" as a tactic of
cyberbullying can only occur with the "veil of anonymity"
offered by digital technology. Cyber bullies impersonate
the target and make unpopular online comments on social
networking sites and in chat rooms. Using impersonation, cyber
bullies set up websites that include vitriolic information, which
then leads to the target being ostracized or victimized in more
classic bullying ways.
Tactic 6: Impersonation
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Denigration. Used in both classic and cyber bullying, denigration
is a term used to describe when bullies use cruel rumors, gossip
and untrue statements about a target to intentionally damage
his/her reputation or friendships. Also known as "dissing,"
this bullying method is a common element involved in most
of the bullying tactics listed. As opposed to classic bullying,
cyberbullying utilizes online methods of sending, posting, and
publishing the cruelties.
Tactic 7:Denigration
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64
E-mail and Cell Phone Image Dissemination: This tactic
is not only a tactic used in cyberbullying, but it can also be a
criminal act if the images depict underaged individuals and are
pornographic or excessively graphic. People can receive images
directly to their phones and then send them to everyone in their
address books. Some people actually post these images on video
sites on their social networking profiles for anyone to download
or view.
Tactic 8: Email and Cell Phone
Image Dissemination
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Cyberstalking. Cyberstalking includes using threats of harm,
intimidation, and/or offensive comments, sent through
personal communication channels, to track a target. With
cyberstalking, frequently there is a perceived threat that the
cyberbully's online stalking activites are real or could become
offline stalking. Cyberstalking takes harassment to the level of
threatening the person's safety in an offline environment.
Tactic 9: Cyberstalking
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1. Does the child spend long hours on the computer and/or a
mobile device?
2. Does the child close his or her browser or mail window
immediately when a parent or educator enters the room?
3. Is the child evasive when a parent or educator asks about his/
her Internet activity?
4. Is the child's history folder always cleaned out?
5. Is the child less attentive in school or getting behind with
schoolwork and assignments?
5 Signs That a Child May Be
Being Cyberbullied
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Here is a nice little slogan you can post in your classroom and
teach to your students: "Send like a friend: Text Responsibly." It
sounds easier than it really is. The reason? We are an impulsive
society. We can't control ourselves, and our students have
even less self-control. The use of cell phones, Facebook, and
other digital devices used to send messages makes it much
too easy to send messages that are hurtful. Students who are
victimized by this type of raid on their emotions have no place
to go and no place to hide. It can happen right in the privacy of
the individual's bedroom, which in times past, may have been
the only safe haven for a victim of bullying. I wrote an article
that you can read on our site www.bullyproofclassroom.com
titled, "Society's Morality has Not Kept Up with Technology."
Technology, which has become more and more sophisticated
over time, is not really the problem. The problem is the lack of
self-control and the belief that we can say or send anything we
want when we want to. Let your students know that what they
say and post will eventually come back to haunt them. Some
employers have started using social media sites as screening
tools prior to hiring. Please teach this short slogan to your
students and make them aware that the "send" button can be a
detonator that can ruin a lifemaybe theirs.
Send Like a Friend:
Text Responsibly
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Anti-Bullying 101
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"K." That is my daughter's response when I send her a request
using a text message. I guess it was too much of a strain on her
index finger to type the "O". Adults are also getting into this
habit of truncation; things like "you are" are now "ur." Many
years ago, the digital watch came out and all you had to do
was view the numbers on the face to be able to tell someone
what time it was. That was all well and good, provided you still
knew how to tell time by reading the hands on a clock. The
same thing is true regarding the invention of calculator. It
should only be used for convenience, not to bypass a necessary
life skill like multiplication. In this digital age, our students
are losing their communication skills. They now interact with
the use of Facebook and text messaging. Having an intelligent
conversation or writing a "thank you" note is considered old
fashioned. Sending an email, a text, or a Facebook post is
now the preferred method. What does all this have to do with
bullying? Kids today no longer confront in a face to face manner.
A healthy confrontation is necessary in life to draw boundaries
and express emotions in a constructive way. This is the skill that
needs to be taught first, before texting and Facebook-ing. Begin
to focus on writing, speaking, and communication as much as
possible with your students. Make it a daily exercise. My fear is
that if we don't we will lose our students to the digital abyss.
Facebook or Face to Face
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Please go to http://bullyproofclassroom.com/parents-can-be-
bullies-too-2 and read this article. Based upon the previous tip,
it is obvious that bullying is wrong and it will not be tolerated.
But, what do you do when parents are bullies? The real reason
why parents argue with teachers and administration is because
they will never win the argument at home with their own child
who they, as the parent, never corrected. They are, in many
ways bullied at home and react out of fear; this fear is taken
out on the teacher in the form of anger and rage. They are not
doing their child any favors because their child is going to have a
difficult time in life when Mom and Dad are not around. What's
the answer? When dealing with a parent who is a known
bully, never go at it alone. Always meet with them when you
have the support of your colleagues or the administration.
Parents who are bullies will usually believe what their son
or daughter tells them. Things like "the teacher doesn't like
me," or "the teacher is always picking on me" are common
cries from students who are bullies. When you meet with
these parents, they go on the attack and become accusatory,
putting you as the teacher on the defensive. Chances are,
if their son or daughter is a bully, they are a school-wide
problem as well, and other teachers and administration have
observed their behavior. Having the support of your team
when meeting with a parent avoids the idea that you are
picking on their child.
Parents can Be Bullies Too
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There are many reasons why kids become bullies and why they
continue to be bullies as they move into adulthood. In fact,
there are many theories, and there is a great deal of experiential
opinion on the topic. I personally believe that there are two
major reasons for the rise in bullying behavior over the last 40
years. The first one is that it's an intergenerational problem.
What one generation does in moderation, the next one does in
excess. In the past, kids may have fought their own battles and
settled their own disputes. The second reason is circumstance.
By today's standards, there is far more dysfunction in families,
and parents may have an overly liberal approach to disciplining
their children. Understanding these two reasons can help
teachers get a better handle on the behavior. Sometimes just
understanding the "why's" of the problem can open up the
mind to begin finding a clear solution. The next several tips will
cover these two categories. So let's look at some intergeneration
tendencies first and then move on to "circumstance."
Reasons Why
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How a child is treated in the home can play a role in whether
or not the child will become a bully. Often, if the child is
victimized in the home, there is a good chance he/she could
become a bully at school. You read that right. Children who are
victimized in the home could get the message that the way they
get what they want is through fear and intimidation. I know
this is something that is usually done by a social worker, but a
conversation with the parents and a little intuition can be pretty
revealing. So be a detective and ask some questions that may
reveal more about the child's home life then the parents wanted
you to know. Sometimes moms will let the cat out of the bag
about dad's anger issues, or maybe visa versa. How ever you get
the info, take notes.
Be a Detective, Be Discrete,
Always Question Parents
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When kids are unhappy about something that happens in
school and they believe that the teacher was the culprit, they will
usually go home and complain to mom or dad. If the parents
are weak, and are in a position of being intimidated by their
own children, they will usually go to the school and argue for
their child. Why? Because they can win the argument with the
school, but they will always lose the argument with their own
kid. I experienced this once: a child bullying his mother in may
office. My response to the kid was, "don't bully your mother
in my office." When this was said, the mom felt she now had
an ally and became more assertive with her son. Husbands and
wives may disrespect each other in the home in front of the
children. Sometimes children will become one of the parents'
confidants and will have to listen to complaints about one parent
or the other. Anytime you have an opportunity to stick up for or
defend a parent when they are being bullied by their own child
in your presence, do it. You will make a new friend, and your
disciplining of that child will be easier going forward.
Kids Can Intimidate Their Parents
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The young parents of today need parenting. Parents who have
left home with a rebellious attitude may not even be speaking
with their own parents. They have lost their perception of right
and wrong behaviors, and sometimes even simple decisions are
tough. It's these parents that will try to bully the teacher and
the school. They do not have the ability to cooperate when they
disagree and can wreak havoc in an educational setting. These
parents need to be agreed with immediately. You heard right.
Agreed with. But, agree in principal, not with the content. Let
them know that you can see things from their perspective, but
work with them to see things from your perspective. Instead of
a tug of war, move to their side of the rope. Or better yet, let go
of the rope. Ease into conversations with these parents and lose
your fear of being yelled at. Be an empathic listener, and don't
argue. They need to be taught, and you are going to do it.
Realize That Parents Need Parenting
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This doesn't mean you should start an argument. It means
that when a bullying parent has a concern, as unrealistic as it
might be, let them know that their concern is your concern. If
they come in and are agitated, meet their intensity with your
own intensity. When they present a problem to you respond
with something like "I am so happy you made me aware of
this. Now let's work together to straighten things out," parents
can be reactive, argumentative, and angry. They may lack the
social and emotional equity to deal with issues that are placed
in front of them by their own child. They rely on the responses
that they have learned from others through observation, and
many of the behaviors that they exhibit are part of their own
intergenerational tendencies.
Meet Parents at Their Intensity Level
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Children can't pick their parents, when and where they were
born, their physical condition when they were born, their
siblings, or even their intelligence. They are influenced by many
of these things, not determined, but influenced. They have
choices and can always change their response to the influence. As
adults, because of our own philosophies, we can make excuses
for children based on their circumstances, and will argue for
the child's weakness. Don't. Accountability is key, regardless of
circumstance. A child's problems might be organic, behavioral,
environmental, or psychological. The problems may be clinical
or conduct. Rgardless, they require the student to develop
greater levels of respect and responsibility.
There are Circumstances,
But Not Excuses
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"What you see is what you get" may not always be the case when
it comes down to a student's behavior. Teachers will respond
or react to a student who exhibits verbal or physical conduct
problems. I mean, that's our job right? But what about the kid
whose head is down on his desk, the kid who is just so quiet that
you wonder what is going on behind those eyes, the kid who is
disaffected but really is not a behavior problem at all? Often we
can be so concerned about the outward conduct of our students
that the disaffected kid can get lost in the sauce. This kid needs
our help. This kid may not be a conduct problem; he/she may
even appear to be one of the "good kids." Sometimes he/she is
just too good. Well, I have said it before; too good is no good.
Left to himself/herself, this kid is mentally storing information
that left unprocessed, will end up leaking out at some point in
his/her life. He/she might be an unwitting victim who is just
drinking in the verbal abuse from his/her family, the school,
or a community until his/her mental and emotional cup just
plain runs over. What happens when it runs over could result
in some tragic events for him/her and for others. Remember
Columbine High School? Harris and Kleboltz took the abuse,
sat on it, and processed it in their own twisted way. No one saw
it coming. What you see is what you get? I don't think so.
Conduct or Clinical
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Bullies and victims suffer from clinical issues all the time.
Depression, anxiety, and mood swings all are part of the bully/
victim dynamic. As these issues become more and more
obvious, the natural tendency of parents and educators is to
lower their expectations and modify the school environment
to reduce academic and behavioral pressure. This may not be
the best idea. Kids who already feel less-than-adequate and
are suffering from a low sense of self-worth don't need to feel
any less capable then they already do. So let's try something
different: make any modifications you need to help kids who
have been identified as "clinically involved." But, slowly increase
responsibility over time. Get him/her to a point that when he/
she has completed an assignment, arrived to school on time,
or confronted a bully by being brave for two minutes, he/she
feels like it was done on their own. Lowering expectations may
appear to be the best thing to do at the time, but understand
,we need to prepare kids to function in the real world where
modifications may not exist. Kids will always provide you with
the evidence to support your belief, so start believing that they
are capable, and they might surprise you.
Clinical Issues and Responsibility
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Kids who have conduct problems should not be confused with
kids who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Kids with this
disorder are lacking an important piece of their personality: a
conscience. These kids say and do things and can justify and
defend their position to a point where it almost makes sense
to others. Pretty disturbing. This kid can, at times, make you
believe that when they bullied someone, the victim deserved
the treatment. They lack empathy and have little or no remorse
for their actions. They are truly anti-social and everyday are
moving closer to becoming the adult sociopaths that make the
news for committing cruel and bizarre acts in society. He/she
needs to be helped right now. His actions need to be watched and
documented. He/she needs a combination of consequence and
compassion, with the goal of helping him/her develop a greater
regard for the rights and privileges of others (respect). Make
no mistake about it; this kid has the potential to be dangerous.
Accept no excuses, keep a balanced approach (consequence and
compassion), don't feel sorry for him, and help him/her change
what may already be made up in his/her mind.
Conduct Issues and Respect
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Whether or not bullying is a problem in your classroom, you
should keep anecdotal records of students' behavior. If you
have students who are or who might become potential bullies,
anecdotal records are even more important. If a student has
more than one teacher, each teacher should keep behavioral
logs, and they should be compared from time-to-time. Why
is this so important? When parent meetings are conducted, a
parent will usually confront the anecdotals from one teacher,
but if more than one teacher has similar anecdotal records,
the information presented will be viewed more legitimately
by the parent. Often, a parent will view a negative one-on-one
conference with a teacher subjectively and believe that the
teacher is picking on his/her kid, or worse yet, that the teacher
really doesn't like his/her kid. As an aside, parent meetings
should always be held with more than one teacher present.
If that's not possible, an administrator or guidance counselor
should be present for support. Never try to go at it alone with
the parent of a student who is a bully.
Documentation
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Students who are victims of bullying should be taught to
document who, when, and where they were bullied. Parents
will say, "My child would never lie to me." My response to
this statement is, "I am sure, but would he/she withhold
information, as in the ten percent that might incriminate him/
her?" A child who is bullied might be wrong once, maybe twice,
but when they present a string of events that have been repeated
over and over, they are usually right. They are being bullied.
Please encourage your students to not only document but to
also share that documentation with you every day. You may
not be able to wait to get involved, based on the severity of the
bullying.
Teach Students to
Document Too
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Research suggests that praise is supposed to be given to children
on a 19 ratio, for every one constructive suggestion, there
should be nine words or statements of praise. But, those nine
must be specific and communicate exactly what the student
did. Often, teachers go overboard giving general, rather than
specific, praise. An example of general praise would be when
a teacher tells students, "nice job." Specific praise would be,
"Excellent opening and closing of essay," or "Excellent use of
figurative language, and transitional words and phrases," or
"Nice job addressing all elements of the question." You are
praising for something specific because you want the student
to be aware of what it is you want them to continue doing.
Plus, the praise is much more meaningful and believable when
something specific is attached to it. Praise given at the right time
and for the right thing will build a respectful and responsible
classroom environment.
Be Specific and Conservative
with Praise
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Make sure you treat your students with respect. Don't use
nicknames. Names such as "Bozo," "Goof," "Bo-Bo," and
"Sleepy" may be good for the playground, but have no place in
the classroom. Many nicknames have a negative connotation,
and they only reinforce a student's negative view of himself/
herself. When teachers call students by such nicknames, it has
a tendency to eliminate the proper boundaries that should be
part of any teacher/student relationship. It also causes students
to view their teachers as their peers rather than as authority
figures.
Call Students by Their Actual
Names
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When you are an effective teacher, your students slowly, but
surely, learn from you and the learning is permanent. Remember,
"too much too fast won't last." It is much better to spend ten
days teaching one skill that your students will be able to use for
a lifetime, than teaching ten different skills in ten days that your
students will forget the day after you teach them. The problem
is that you may be expected to move quickly through an overly
ambitious curriculum. If you have the sense that your students
have not grasped a concept, then spend more time on it. Lack of
understanding on the part of your students creates frustration,
anxiety, and tension. Bullies zero in on these weaknesses in
others and will use them to berate, shame, and embarrass.
Learn the Difference between Being
Effective and Efficient
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Using humor is a great way to increase your effectiveness as a
teacher. Humor will grab the attention of your students, and you
need to grab your students' attention to teach them. Once your
students believe that you have the ability to inject humor into
your instruction, they will be hanging on to your every word.
Remember that kids love to laugh, so give them something to
laugh about. Plus, humor is a great way to break tension and
create a more relaxed learning environment. Humor will make
you and your teaching more interesting and accessible to every
student.
Develop a Sense of Humor
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Let's face it. You can't focus on the degree of punctuality in
your students if you are always late. Being late to your class
is risky businesstoo many things can go wrong, like bullying
behavior. If you are not there on time, you are setting a bad
example for your students and are actually encouraging student
tardiness. Duty assignments are no different. You are assigned
to a specific duty for a reason; be there when you are supposed
to be. Make punctuality your goal.
Always Be on Time for Class or Duty
Assignments
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Too often teachers award a grade of an "A" or a "B" to a student,
when in reality the student doesn't know the material and a
more realistic grade would be a "C" or even a "D." Parental
or administrative pressure or curriculum timelines can place
you in a position of awarding a grade that is not in line with
your student's actual performance or ability. This is more of
a problem for the student and the student's parents than for
you. Students who have an inflated view of their own ability
move on to the next marking period or the next grade with a
lethal combination: an inflated view of their academic ability
(overconfidence) and a lack of the prerequisite skills they need to
succeed. This cockiness combined with the students perception
of their true ability can produce anger-related issues that could
translate into bullying behavior. These students ultimately
become behavioral and academic problems for another teacher
who often will blame you for the problem. Plus, another huge
problem that arises is that the student's parents also develop the
same inflated view of their child's ability. This grade inflation
only produces future pain for the student, the parents, any of
the student's future teachers, and maybe even you, down the
road.
Be Honest and Realistic about
Your Student's Academic
Achievement
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You may be giving the students that you like and who are not
behavioral problems better grades than they actually deserve.
How often have you semi-subconsciously raised the grade of a
student that you really liked? When you do this, you are grading
based upon feelings, rather than on the student's performance.
Well behaved, likeable students need to be held to the same
academic standard as the students who are behavioral problems.
Students who are bullies can sense the imbalance in the classroom
and the connection that the teacher has to those he/she likes. You
could be setting kids up for becoming victims by not remaining
equitable in your grading practices. Awarding higher grades to
certain students creates an atmosphere of favoritism and can
lead the students to academic irresponsibility. If possible, use
rubrics and other objective measurement instruments to help
make your grading more fair and standardized.
Keep Your Objectivity when Grading
Students' Work
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Plan your work and work your plan. From the minute the period
begins to the minute it ends, be sure to have every minute
planned. You know you are not doing this when one of your
students asks, "What are we doing next? or "What should we
be doing now?" Your students should be so busy that they don't
have the opportunity to ask that question. My suggestion is to
over-plan rather than under-plan, and always have something
extra that you can begin doing if you have a few spare minutes.
Believe it or not, a great teacher will actually be upset when the
period is over rather than relieved because there is never enough
time to either introduce something new or review something
old. You will not be doing your students any favor by giving
them a few minutes to chat or do work from other classes.
Potential bullies thrive in this type of classroom disorganization
and always wait for this downtime to begin his/her dirty work.
The more engaged your students are, and the less down time
there is, the better behaved they will be. Using a timer is a good
strategy to make sure you are not giving your students too much
time to do either independent work or group work. If you don't
time your students, you will always give them too much time
to complete the assignment. When you stop teaching prior to
the end of an assigned period, you are only asking for trouble.
You may think that you are being a nice person by giving the
students a break, but in reality, all you are doing is encouraging
irresponsible behavior.
Keep Every Minute Planned
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When you teach a lesson or while your students are completing
seat work, you should move around the room and mingle
with students. By routinely moving around the room, you can
address problems as they come up without any drama, and
you can prevent many potentially disruptive situations from
occurring. Bullies, because they attack when no one is looking,
will not have the environment to victimize anyone, because
you will always be moving. When you are continuously moving
around the room, you become much more aware of which
students are having difficulty grasping new concepts, and you
can help them without embarrassing them. This also creates
opportunities for you to compliment your students' diligence
and on-task behavior.
Be Out and About in Your
Classroom
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There is truly no place in any classroom for angry words or
comments that are directed at your students. In the elementary
classroom, if you display anger, the children will become afraid
of you, and they will begin to feel emotionally unsafe and
uncomfortable in your presence. If you display anger in the
secondary classroom, you will be perceived as out-of-control and
foolish, and you will lose the respect of your students. A bully
can't wait to hear negative comments from the teacher directed
at other students. It just gives him/her negative comments to
repeat at another time. From the bully's perspective, you as the
teacher said it, so it must be okay for him/her to say.
The Classroom Is Not the Place
to Become Angry
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Taking initiative does not mean being pushy, obnoxious,
or aggressive. It does mean recognizing your responsibility
to make things happen. Too often, teachers wait around in
difficult situations for something to happen. They expect the
students, administration, parents, or even other teachers to
change before they change themselves. Teachers who take
initiative acknowledge the reality of bullying (low test scores,
discipline problems, or poor administrative support) and then
take individual responsibility for the problems. They don't
blame themselves for the problem, but rather ask how they
as an individual can improve the circumstances plaguing the
classroom or school. What can you do as an individual to help
combat bullying in your school?
Take Initiative
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Profanity, I know it is difficult to control. In some schools, it can
be heard all around. Kids almost use it as part of their everyday
conversation with other students, and at times, they use it in
the presence of adults. It is very difficult to stop, and you can't
discipline kids every single time you hear or overhear profane or
vulgar language coming from the mouths of students. But, they
have to be told. They have to be made aware that the language
is unacceptable. If not, we will, by default, communicate to our
students that we agree with their language. Kids use profanity
for three different reasons. One, they may feel inferior; two,
they curse situations they are in or a consequence they are
experiencing because of their behavior; and three, they may
have sexual hang-ups. With the last one you only have to listen
to the vulgarity in their speech as he/she references different
male and female body parts. Knowing why kids use such
language can help us gain an understanding of the student and
where the language may be coming from. Profanity is really an
indication of a lack of vocabulary and poor judgment. We can
always say "stop, knock it off " to our students when we hear
profane, vulgar, or obscene language. Listen to the language of
your students. A student may feel inferior, and his language may
be the first indicator that you have a bully in your midst. Mark
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Twain once observed that "the difference between the right word
and the almost-right word is the difference between lightning
and a lightning bug." It is never appropriate to use profanity, and
our students need to unlearn this learned behavior.
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Students who excel academically usually have a fair amount of
confidence. That is a good thing. But, cockiness and arrogance
are not good. These attitudes can begin to prey on the nerves
of other students and at times, even on you as the teacher. This
student may believe that he/she has all the answers and will
challenge your role and knowledge as the teacher. This can affect
the student's relationships with other students in the class and
with you as the teacher. Even though the student is academically
gifted, he/she may be emotionally immature. This attitude will
not only have a negative impact on the student in the present,
but in the future as well. Correct him/her when necessary and
make him/her aware of how he/she is being perceived by other
students. A bully will zero in on this kid's cockiness and begin to
victimize him. As teachers, be careful. Just because this student
may be on your last nerve and you begin to believe that this
student may need to get knocked down a peg or two ,don't look
the other way when he/she is bullied.
Confidence, Cockiness,
and The Victim
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Confrontationsno one likes them. As a matter of fact, most
people avoid them at all cost. The reason is because as children,
we were never taught how to deal with them and never developed
the ability to disagree with the right attitude. (See Tip: January
3, 2012). Dr. Robyn Odegaard, author of Stop The Drama!
The Ultimate Guide To Female Teams, really hits the nail on
the head when it comes down to conflict and confrontations.
She defines a term that all of us need to be familiar with.
Productive Conflict. This is the act of addressing and handling
a disagreement or misunderstanding using an established set of
healthy communication guidelines, which lead to resolution. Dr.
Odegaard states that when we are involved in a disagreement,
we have to create enough space in the conversation to allow for
disagreement. This is wise guidance, and I support her research
and findings. Conflicts that are left only partially resolved can
lead to passive aggressive behavior and avoidance. Our students
need to learn this term and work on developing the ability to
resolve conflicts in a productive and respectful manner and
disagree with the right attitude. You can order Dr. Odegaard's
book here: http://stopthedramanow.com/
Confrontations
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The brain is a wonderful organ and it can be programmed
by us and by others. The words that people say to us and the
things that are done to us can produce a private logic that can
either be believed or stricken from our conscious mind as being
just or untrue. Your Reticular Activating System (RAS) is the
automatic mechanism inside your brain that brings relevant
information to your attention. The RAS is a filter between the
conscious mind and the subconscious mind. Let's say you are
sitting in your classroom and in the distance, you hear sirens.
Your subconscious mind may say, "police, fire, first aid." You are
busy concentrating on something else, so your conscious mind
focuses on the task at hand. But, then you notice that the sirens
were from a fire truck and the truck pulls in front of the school.
Your RAS immediately kicks in and those sirens that you heard
earlier are now relevant to you. If you start to smell smoke
well, now it really has your attention. A student may come to
school with his/her conscious mind already programmed. He/
she may have let so many negative thoughts in that they may
have become part of his/her belief system. The student may
have been bullied at home or punished for small mistakes. His/
her siblings may have picked on him/her to the point that his
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RAS now allows only negative thoughts in. But worse yet, he/
she now believes them. Negative words and treatment are the
things that get his/her attention and they begin to form his/her
self-image. His thoughts become actions.
The order of the day is to create a climate in your classroom
that is kind, caring, respectful, and responsible. Think about
the best teacher you've ever had, and how he/she got your
attention. Keep a smile on your face and do your best to provide
an equitable distribution of your passion and understanding to
all of your students. Maybe we have to realize what gets our
attention and how good it feels when a smile comes our way.
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Complaining about students in the faculty room does nothing
to support the educational environment. Once you find other
teachers who enjoy complaining about students, it becomes
much easier to get into a routine of complaining to each
other. This then makes it easier for other teachers to join right
in. What usually goes along with this is a great deal of talk
about how the student's lack of achievement or bullying and
behavioral problems in the classroom are caused by outside
circumstances such as family or the child's intergenerational
tendencies (e.g. "I had his father as a student and I am not
surprised. He is just like him"). The problem is that you take
the focus off of yourself and the things you can do to be part
of the solution. Plus, if you're badmouthing your students, and
other teachers are feeding right into it, you will walk back into
your classroom with a greater dislike and additional reasons for
having a negative attitude toward those students.
Stay Away from Gossiping
and Complaining
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It is always nice to receive compliments, but sometimes we
need to ask ourselves, "how free are we with compliments
toward others?" Teachers as a group can be very stingy with
complimenting other teachers. It is as if teachers think that
by complimenting another teacher, they will be diminishing
their own worth. Get into the habit of paying a professional
compliment to someone each day. We all need to be affirmed
and recognized for our efforts. Just think about how good you
feel when someone pays you a compliment, and give another
teacher the opportunity to experience the same good feeling.
How does this help stop bullying? It is all in the example and
attitudes we set. Our students will notice and be freer with
compliments themselves.
Be Complimentary to Your
Fellow Teachers
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Sometimes you do your best and still can't make any academic
progress with one or more of your students. In addition, no
matter what discipline technique you may try, your students
are still out-of-control. Try not to get down on yourself
quite frankly it won't help. Learn to accept where you are
professionally, and realize that you will arrive as a teacher. You
just haven't gotten there yet. Sometimes we can be so hard
on ourselves that it leaks out on our students, and they start
wondering, "What do I have to do to please the teacher?" Kids
can pick up on our attitude, and if you have a bully in the room,
his/her lack of empathy won't help. Don't beat yourself up.
A Bad Day Doesn't Make You a
Bad Person or a Bad Teacher
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The past is the past, right? Wrong. The past can and will dictate
the future if we allow ourselves to be measured based on our
failures rather then our successes. Let's face it. We all have
failed or fallen short from time to time. Just because we have
failed does not mean we are a failure. It just means we did the
best with what we knew at the time. Parents can do this once
they take a look at the lifestyle or the behavior of their grown
children. If you are a parent, take heart: you did your best with
the information you had in the process of raising your children.
If you are a teacher and have had your share of problems and
headaches and feel like the funds are low and the debts are
high, don't look back. Don't drive while looking in the rear
view mirror, you will hit a future tree. Gandhi once said, "Be
the change we wish to see in the world." What changes do you
want? A kinder and gentler place for kids to come, have fun,
and learn? Realize that you are the one that has the capacity to
facilitate the change. Have you goofed up in the past? So what?
The past is the past, so please don't ever let it remind you of
what you are now. Let the past remind you of what the future
holds when you finally let go.
Don't Let the Past Remind Us
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"It doesn't mean that much to me to mean that much to you."
Neil Young sang this verse in his song "Old Man." Significant
others. We all have them, and we all have had them: those that
have impacted our life in such a way that we can still hear their
voice calling us long after they have passed on. My dad was very
significant in my life. He was hypercritical, I always sought his
approvalit was tough to get. Sometimes I just wanted to give
up. I mean, what's the use in trying? I thought, "Can't please the
old man no matter what I do." The story is too long to tell here,
but after he attended one of my baseball games and saw, I mean
really saw the type of baseball player I was, he told me that he
was so proud of me and hugged me. I don't think he had a clue
as to what that meant to me. I forgot all the past criticism and
have hung on to those words to this day. He probably changed
my life and didn't even know it. Whether we want to believe it
or not, as adults, we are significant to others right now. It's time
to realize how much we mean to our children, our spouses, and
as educators, those we teach. How much does it really mean to
you to mean that much to another person? It doesn't matter what
you have said or done in the past; a life can be changed with the
right words at the right time. Often, we allow our past to dictate
how we are going to treat others; don't let it. The bullies and the
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victims of this world are crying out for significant others. Their
parents may not be doing enough to fill the void in their hearts
and souls. Come to terms today, and I mean right now, on what
you really mean to others, and take the time to let them know
how much they mean to you. If anyone would like the full story
about my dad email me at proactive7@verizon.net.
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As our students move forward in life, their desire to have
meaningful relationships with the opposite sex intensifies and
dating becomes a real novelty. Discussions in high school, and
even middle schools, are continually taking place about who
is seeing whom, and who likes whom. Even people who are
older and have been away from the dating seen for a while find
this type of situation awkward, and at times, uncomfortable.
Just take a look at two people who are in the initial stages of
building a relationship. He/she seems to be the greatest. Get
to know them, I mean really know them, and what they are
really about. Get on the inside track, and the indecisiveness of
whether or not to stay will cause such fear, that arguments will
be more common than holding hands. Young daters, and by
young I mean high school age ,are more prone to being harassed
and intimidated in a relationship then ever before. They enter in
and really don't know how to get out. And, often when they try
to get out, they are harassed with rumors and gossip flooding
the school building, destroying a person's reputation. What
do people fear the most? Sadly, people fear each other, and the
closer they get to someone, the more they fear them. At the
high school level our students need to be taught the ins and outs
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of dating. But, more emphasis needs to be placed on reading
someone's motives and knowing how to make a graceful exit
when necessary. Teenagers stay in abusive relationships for many
reasons; low self-esteem is one of them. Teach your students
that they have a choice and to stay firm when they decide to
either stay in or get out. The divorce rate is already too high.
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Encroachment. That's a football term, right? One team is offside
and the referee throws the flag for a five yard penalty. That may
be true, but in the world of bullying and relationships, it also
has dramatic meaning, with penalties and consequences as well.
Here is the definition: to take another's possessions or rights
gradually or stealthily, or to advance beyond proper or former
limits. I have spoken about boundaries and limits before and
how young children need to learn how to say, "Stop. Knock it
off," and slowly develop the courage to throw the flag and make
the bully aware that they encroached on their space. As kids
grow older, they enter into another world that involves boy/girl
relationships and where problems with dating often occur. Our
children need to learn at an early age that just because they like
or are attracted to someone of the opposite/same sex, it doesn't
mean that they like or are attracted to them. A relationship
between two parties grows out of a quality friendship first. For
anyone to try and shoehorn themselves into a relationship that
is unwanted is harassment, intimidation, and bullying. Teach
your students now to throw the red flag if they believe someone
is trying to encroach on their space.
Encroachment in a Relationship
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We have discussed freedom of speech: not the freedom to say
what you want, but the brains to say what you ought. I stand
by this definition. What I don't believe though is that someone
should be beat over the head with the club of political correctness
and never speak what is on his/her mind. When a system,
whether it is a school, corporate, or political one, can gain such
control over its members that it holds them as a mental and
emotional hostage. The system has then muzzled its members,
and in reality, has bullied them. To disagree with a system does
not mean we won't cooperate; it just means that our opinions
and thoughts are different then those who are in charge. Two
heads are better than one, and even more heads can make a
bigger difference. When an ego is so big that it believes that
"the only way is my way," change will never take place. A good
leader listens more than speaks, and he/she values the input
of its members. Season your objections with salt and evaluate
your motives. Be a good employee, do a good job, and don't be
muzzled.
Muzzled
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Often, we observe behaviors in children and begin to label
them as "lazy," "unmotivated," and "stubborn." What we are
observing are really only the symptoms of what is actually
going on within the hearts and minds of our students. When
we treat the symptoms with systemic consequences, we never
really get to the root problem. Don't get me wrong; bullies need
consequences, but a balance needs to be struck between rules
and regulations, compassion and understanding. Bullies need to
be disciplined, but consequences alone won't stop the bullying.
As an example, we label kids as "lazy" all the time. In reality,
laziness is really the manifestation of disrespect. It's not that the
kid won't do things; he/she just won't do them for you because
of a poor relationship that has developed over time. Often,
therapy is necessary to peek into the mind of this kid. But, if
we take the time to form a relationship with the bully and stop
dealing with the symptoms, we will be providing this kid with
permanent help, not temporary relief, and will be setting him/
her on the path to lifelong success.
The Root Problem
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With the onset of the Anti Bullying Bill of Rights Act in New
Jersey, and the potential for anti-bullying laws to go nationwide,
teachers are required now, more then ever, to hold students
accountable for harassment, intimidation, and bullying. Are
teachers the only ones responsible to quell this epidemic
plaguing our country? Sometimes, you might feel that way.
The problem has been around since Cain and Abel, and our
society and culture has allowed the problem to grow to the
monstrous proportions seen today. Schools provide the venue
for those who bully to carry out their dirty work. Schools are no
longer just a place to teach basic skills and to prepare students
academically; they are now required to teach character, ethics,
and to a degree, morals. With this added responsibility and
accountability, teachers can become drained of their physical
and emotional energy. They lose sight of the fact that the
quality of their performance based upon their own wellness and
how secure they feel in their position. We strive to provide a
safe learning environment for our students, and we as teachers
deserve the same. The children of this country have been placed
in our hands from 612 hours per day and may spend more time
with teachers than they spend with their parents. As exhausting
as it might be, this is what we signed up for. So, we have to strike
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a balance and take care of the golden goose (ourselves), because
we are the ones who are laying the golden eggs. If we kill the
goose as the farmer did in Aesop's Fables, we will lose the riches
that go along with the good life.
I have written about the dimensions of life before in The New
3Rs in Education: Respect, Responsibility, and Relationships,
and it is worth repeating here. I reference Stephen Covey's book
The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In his book, Covey
describes seven habits that, if incorporated into a person's life,
will motivate and inspire him/her to achieve balance. The habits
are "Be Proactive," "Begin with the End in Mind," "Put First
Things First," "Think Win-Win," "Seek First to Understand
then to be Understood," "Synergize," and "Sharpen the Saw."
The seventh habit, "Sharpen the Saw," is particularly relevant
here.
The following is an excerpt from The Seven
Habits of Highly Effective People:
"Suppose you were to come upon someone in the woods
working feverishly to saw down a tree. 'What are you doing?'
you ask. 'Can't you see?' comes the impatient reply. 'I'm sawing
down this tree.' 'You look exhausted!' you exclaim. 'How long
have you been going at it?' 'Over Five hours,' he returns, 'and
I'm beat! This is hard work.' 'Well, why don't you take a break
for a few minutes and sharpen the saw?' you inquire. 'I'm sure it
would go a lot faster.' 'I don't have time to sharpen the saw,' the
man says emphatically. 'I'm too busy sawing.'
Sometimes we are so busy working that we just don't take
the time for ourselves and our family. In his book, Stephen
Covey explains that people should spend time in what he
calls "renewal." Renewal is when we preserve and enhance
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the greatest asset we have, which is ourselves. Unfortunately,
sometimes our family may just think that we are taking time
away from them, when in essence, what we are trying to do is
make ourselves stronger for them. By practicing Covey's four
dimensions that are explained below, a person will become
more liberated emotionally and will be able to fight the stresses
of life to become a better parent, spouse, son, daughter, and yes,
even teacher.
The Physical Dimension
The physical dimension involves caring for our physical body
including eating right and getting enough rest and exercise. If
we think that we don't have enough time to exercise, understand
that we don't have the time not to. Often, we will think that in
order to get the right exercise we have to join a gym and hire a
trainer. In reality, can just take a walk or do a few calisthenics,
and we will start to see results. Better yet, we can take a walk
with our children and enjoy a good conversation along the way.
The Mental Dimension
We don't read enough for pleasure or for enrichment. For
some reason, when we graduate from college we stop doing
any serious reading or research. Too often, our time is spent
watching television and not enough time is spent in our mental
development. I know some folks who get cranky and despondent
if they don't see their favorite shows on certain nights. With
the advent of DVR, and other devices, we can record just about
anything we want for future viewing. We can get so caught up
in television that we lose sight of other things we can do with
our minds. Our minds are like muscles and have to be developed
and worked or they will atrophy. We need to find things that we
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like to read and that inspire and encourage us. Then, we should
make a commitment to try and read a book per month. Keep in
mind that books on tape are in the public library as well.
The Social / Emotional Dimension
If we come home worn out from the day, we may not have the
energy to devote to the key people in our lives. Often, these key
people (husband, wife, son, daughter) can feel short-changed by
the lack of time and attention that we give to them. Too often,
we come home and want to talk about some "snot-nosed kid"
who gave us a hard time that day. That is not the conversation
our loved ones want to have with us. Yes, they do want to hear
about our day, but they also have a desire for us to have an equal
interest in their day. Remember one thing: the school we are
working in can run with us or without us. We may believe that
we are indispensable at work, but that is an absolute fallacy. We
can be replaced, and we may not even be missed. But can our
family run without us? You know the answer. Your family needs
you, and you need them. There isn't a person alive who on their
death bed stated that they wished they had spent more time at
work. We must focus on giving the people we love the time they
deserve. Then, they will give us their blessing when we go off
to work.
The Spiritual Dimension
The Spiritual Dimension is a very private area for most people.
Many people have their own method of feeding their soul. Some
folks communicate with nature, read inspirational literature,
or spend quiet time alone in prayerful meditation. The great
reformer Martin Luther said, "I have so much to do today that
I will have to spend three hours praying instead of two." I have
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come to realize that there is a spiritual connection that all people
want, but that many people do not do enough to develop it. The
spiritual dimension often gets ignored, and that can leave a large
void in a person's life.